Break..

Decided to take a break after whole study marathon..been leading a healthy life I guess..sleep almost 8 hours a day but why am I still so tired?! mum said cos I am using my brain a lot...oh well, using up most of my time at home studying, and hey!I am keeping up the goal I set..I am going to finish everything by tomorrow!So I have nearly two weeks time to revise everything again and focus what I am weak at.. Guess I had learnt the lesson from last year, never keep things till last minute, last year was just lucky enough to get me passed but this year will not be the same anymore..but I am really aiming for Merit this time, and I believe I can do it! hopefully..hmm..

Starting from tomorrow will be spending most of my time in library now, and I actually can't wait for it, guess my life now is all about the study study and study..this is not a good thing I guess, but well, I will fix it after my exam! am so sorry for not replying all the group whatsapp, am so sorry for being MIA but I know once I start replying, that will take up whole night..I am being nervous and paranoid, I don't know why, guess I am trying to be competitive this time..just hope everything will follow my plan..really hope all my effort will pay off, considering I did give up a lot of things.

alrightey..back to study..good luck to me, and don get too stress up! =p

1st day of holiday..

isn't very productive though I woke up early and went uni early.. but well, no one in uni and I felt empty inside.. perhaps I am really getting older.. graduation and wedding photos are everywhere on newfeeds, it makes think of my future, I wish I could just graduate and start my own family, but it seems so far away from me..

got a few whatsapps messages from friends asking if I want to have Christmas meal with them, I didn't bother to reply, partly because deep in my heart I am hoping for someone else, though he is not even in JB..celebrated Christmas with family almost every year just because my bro's birthday is on Christmas Eve, and I was wishing for something special this year, but highly doubt it will ever happened.. Now I regretted for not saying yes to bro to follow him back to Melbourne, thanks to the upcoming examination. Bro and sis won't be around this year meaning there will not have any celebration this year.. How sad..

How I wish I could go back in time, life was so carefree during high school, everyone is so naive, and I was so happy though my parents don't really care about me but at least I am leading a life I want.

When can I have my own life, when can I celebrate all these awesome festivals with the awesome special one? When can I go Venice, Italy, France.. wish to go for a real Orchestra concert in Vienna.. so many things in my to-do list, will I be able to accomplish all before I leave the world?

why am I such a emo kid? *sigh..

Sem Break..

I still can't believe I am actually having holiday now..time flies so fast that I have trouble remembering what was going on for the past few months, I can only remember the orientation then the SC campaign and now holiday..looking through all the photos I posted on FB last time, am actually feeling sad inside..friends viber me and tell me their graduation is today, sis called me up and asked me to wish Jason for his graduation, I really wish I am there right now.. I haven't attend a single graduation because I am stucked here.. Suddenly feel so empty inside, everyone left JB for holidays and I m all alone here..Holiday doesn't really mean anything to me anymore, when I was still in Aus, I was longing to come back to meet my family and friends, and now I am permanently staying at home, I am longing for a gateaway.. human nature huh? and the stupid exam is right after the holiday! now I am busy building up my warzone..=.="

I have no idea what is in my mind, I just feel so restless and ah, I just couldn't describe that kind of feelings.. I don't even know what I want now.. feeling so messed up! :'(

Life..

I don't know what I am pursuing right now, why am I always that tired, why am I living for people, why do I care so much? but when you are down and sick, not a single soul cares..you still need to go on with whatever you are asked to do, and I have no stand to say anything. I am feeling so exhausted and terrible right now, but well, life goes on.

I miss my Melbourne friends, like badly, meeting up with my high school friends this morning who we got closer when we were in Melb, I can still feel the bond even when she didn't come back for 3 years, I don't feel any gap between us, those are true friend isn't it?We don't always keep in touch, but once we meet up after so long, we are able to update each other about our life. Congrats my dear, for getting a guy to dote on you now..really happy for you..=D..anyway, Happy Graduation as well, not sure when I will be seeing you again knowing that you will start your work in Melb soon. Promise will go visit again, and that will not be a surprise anymore..

Few years back, when we want to hang out, we often say this. "I am not sure if I am able to go, not sure if my parents can fetch me"

Now, we will say, "hey! let's come out, picking you up in 10!"

10 years later, it will be, "I am sorry, I need to take care of my kids, will you be able to come to my house instead?"

We are all growing up, time is flying and there are no ways to stop it..hate it when all the memories started to flash back..sad...

Sis's Engagement

Browsing through my sis's engagement album, feeling sweet inside..still can't believe my sister who used to be so dependant on me now is going to have her own family. This is life isn't it? Saw my dad's expression that day, he was happy but, I clearly know he still can't let go. Oh well, hope my future brother in law will treat my sis like a princess like how we treat her.

Well, just an engagement already can pull me down, wonder what will happen when they are getting married. 1 day before the engagement, I was asked to pick up my future brother in law my sis from Changi airport at 3am, then pick up the whole family from KSL hotel to JPO, then, evening have to pick them up again and bring them to my house for buffet!=D..The food are so delicious that I can't stop eating till I felt like puking..buahahaa!anyway, it was a wonderful night though I was really exhausted. I am pleased that our family got along with his.

oh yea..we didn't manage to finish it allll..=p

After eating, I was then asked to send them back again, and started to decorating my house with balloons..but I just can't take it anymore and ended up sleeping in the living room, and woke up early the next day and continue my work. It was so rushed that I don't manage to style my hair..=(..anyway, I was then asked to go KSL again and pick them up again.

I love all the heart shape balloon, so sweet!

The ceremony started at 11.30am sharp! It was really an awesome one, and my sis was so pretty!=p

I never expect him to be that sweet, though I always know he is a gentleman, seriously, he is going to be my brother in law?really?haha!well, just gona say, 哥，謝謝你在澳洲常常照顧著我的日子，如今我已然想念，也很謝謝你這麽疼愛我姐！

After the whole ceremony, we went to studio and took photos then off for lunch!I was really tired but I really enjoyed every moment, I am happy to see them again.

姐，你要永遠幸福哦。。愛你。。<3 p="p">

oh well..this is how I look like after the whole ceremony, lazying on the sofa and wanted to sleep so much..=p

So yea, that's all about this post, so tired now that I can just fall asleep anytime. Night world..

xoxo

無奈

“做事情沒交代的人最要不得，答應的事情沒做到反而跑去“幽會”是怎樣？沒能力真的不要死撐。。還要，聼完問題后才回答好嗎？你喜歡吵架，我不喜歡。。袒護人也要看情況吧。。不然就全部你們自己決定就好啊。。一點都沒規劃，我就等著你們幾時才給我一個交待，假期快到了。。我絕對不會假期還陪你們耗。。”

這段話本該在我的status出現，但爲了大局爲重，真的不應該把對某些人的不滿大事宣揚。。只是真正了解實情的都不怎麽能討論，真的對這種生活感到厭倦。。感覺好厭惡。。真的好想退出。。喜歡就喜歡，干嘛在我面前扮純情，還玩什麽曖昧。。真的不了這些人在想什麽。。公私不分怎麽做大事。。每天都在為這些事愁，我要怎樣才能脫離。。=(((((((

談感情。。

最近談戀愛的談戀愛，訂婚的訂婚，開始讓我想我是不是應該不要再那麽不在乎？
過去的事不應該成爲我接受另一段感情的障礙。。
看見朋友有人照顧其實心裏還蠻酸的，縂覺得自己很瀟灑，
但想想，自己也應該停下腳步，為自己的將來打算吧。。
縂在為別人的事忙，自己卻一刻都沒辦法停下來歇一歇。。
人生到底是什麽？

和朋友聊著，他讓我聼了這首歌，雖然有點悲，
但歌詞裏的一只一句何嘗不是事實？
人說 談感情 先認真的就不會贏
我們愛上的那個總是會比較愛自己
這句最貼切了不是嗎？
這應該也是爲什麽我都是那個被動的。。
自己清楚知道，一旦認真起來，就會全心全意的對他好。。
一旦開始了一段感情，不管發生什麽事都會盡力地維持。。
還記得Student Council 聚會時，無意閒料到了，結婚時要怎麽整新郎時，
我的反應居然是，“我結婚時，拜托你們別整我老公，因爲我會心痛，我也會很疼我老公。”
大家聽到都嚇到了，只是想想，那不是應該的嗎？




姐姐就快訂婚了，心裏有點感概。。
我一直在照顧，一直擔心的姐姐終于要結婚了。。
看見她有人照顧了，除了父母，我想我是最開心的吧。。
未來姐夫是多麽地疼她，感覺自己好像在嫁女兒一樣。。
姐，你一定要幸福。。永遠愛你。。

Happy?

Just realized my entries are full with negative force!so I shall attract some positive energy here..though the weather is a bit gloomy now..and looks like is going to rain so heavily in a while!!! I shall go home when my laptop shut down itself later..=p..

So, any happy events going on nowadays?HMM..1stly, I submitted my SSC proposal and I have no idea if I will need to redo, but not going to care for now!Next, most of the societies stuff kind of settle down now, hopefully.. Student Council?not quite giving a damn for now, at least won't be so busy till they finalize the End Year Ball event? Not even sure if I am in charge of collecting money considering Trisha will be away for a week for her Miss Universe competition, so I had done my part for now..Came out with all the budgets, ready to go for meeting with Prof Brad on Thurs.

Friends wise, not much changes, I am happy whenever my Aus and UK friends Skype me or just leave some warm messages even when I was offline. Thanks girls, I love you all so much..in fact I am easily contented..I will smile even when replying comments on Insta or twitter. I am happy when friends called and show concern, I am happy with my life now though I am alone most of the time. But why am I emo still?that's because unhappy events are overwhelming the happy 1..=X..

Anyway, was supposed to sleep early last night, thanks to L who made me laugh non stop before leaving uni.. I was energetic when I walked to my car, eyes was pain when driving, physically exhausted but my brain was so hyperactive. So, ended up chatting till 2am..what a life, never expect to chat with K and my daughters till that late..sometimes is fun to just chat randomly and get yourself out of all the academic stuff, apparently, I was supposed to have a son-in-law and I was so happy when my daughter told me that but sadly, he ended up to have a off campus girlfriend..hahaha!Oh well, my daughters are all so enthu to get themselves a daddy, but too bad la, their daddy is staying in my future..=p..Rumors about me and K should just stop..I ended up lecturing my daughters for spreading the rumours and kept making both of us so awkward infront of everyone and also my future him will jealous!!!Rumours can be a friendshhip killer in a sense that when rumours started, we will tend to avoid him/her though I don't care since I clearly know that there is nothing happened between us. anyway, all I wanted to clarify is K is just a close buddy of mine, a close friend who willing to help me up when I need some advice, that's all! he has someone else and I have mine..my point is..I am happy chatting with my daughters..hahaha!

Nothing much to be happy now I guess.. More like I am going to get emo soon again, feel like having a getaway so badly, want to go somewhere where I can enjoy the nice scenery with nice weather, even if is just Singapore, though I don't like to go Singapore but at least I can enjoy the X'mas atmosphere.. My friends should just stop showing me all the nice X'mas decor at Clarke Quay and Marina Bay Sand..=(.. Feel like singing K, but no kaki.. feel like doing so many things but I can't. =(..

Alright, shall stop, have enough rest now, get back to study!! How I wish my High-ness is real, Z, I am not always hyperactive, I was just acting! because is not very nice to show emo face everytime I see you around in Uni.

cheers~

Rainy Night..

A sudden rain from a silent night made me think of, something bad suddenly happens in your daily life..without any notices..

been down for the past few days, tried to talk to people and realised, no matter how close the friends are to you, he/she will never be there to listen to you forever, he/she might just went offline without telling you or even when you are half way telling your problem, and yea..it made me even down..but what to do?is none of their business after all..I admit..I tend to emo over the same thing over and over and over again, but is that really my fault?I know, life still goes on no matter what happened, but am I not strong enough? I have no idea, I am just sick of the world where I need to wear mask infront of everyone, even to my family, to make sure they are not worried about me..why the hell do I need to smile or pretend I am happy when I am obviously not?

paralysed myself on bed for hours after uni event, reflecting myself, thinking if I did anything wrong that I actually deserved that kind of treatment?sometimes I am just thinking, will a bad girl easier to be?probably because they don't have to care what people think about them or care about other's feeling?Still remember a friend of mine sat next to me during break time in lecture hall, I was replying someone's message and he was looking, I ended the message with a smile, the next moment, he was telling me, why are you putting a smile in the message when you are not smiling at all..I looked at him and I was speechless..that moment was, I just don't want to make the conversation to be so tense up maybe?or maybe I got used to it already, and that makes me think again..

oh well, rain is getting heavier, and I have no idea why my heart beats faster everytime I hear the sound of the raindrops..I hate myself for being this way, hate myself for being so emotional, hate myself for caring so much when I clearly know no one will appreciate..was having an urge to speed just now on the way back from sending the kids home, I am sorry I did speed a bit when sending them back..I like the speed, though my heart can't take it..I like the feeling, I like the feeling when my body float on the water like a dead body, the time when you just let your mind goes blank, relax your whole body totally..I love nature..nature with no mosquitoes..=.="

I miss Melb now, miss sitting at Dockland, with cold weather, wind breezing towards your face..

am tired..night world..

So...

So, this is how life works, the more you care, the more it won't turn out to be what you want,
The more you don't care, the more it approached you.
What is wrong with me, am I too free to think of all these stuff?
Shouldn't be so efficient so I can use all my time to settle things one by one,
to prevent me from thinking too much?

Insomnia loves me, no matter how I tired I was during the day,
I can never sleep at night!
No, nothing is wrong with my brain,
Nothing is wrong with my neuron,
Nothing is wrong with my synapses,
and nothing is wrong with my Myelination..

So, what is wrong with me..
only my heart knows the answer...

After completing all my jobs,
My heart and soul is flying everywhere..
Please come back, I need you all to stay focus..
BECAUSE I NEED TO BE IN THE CUP,
NOT THE PULP THAT GOT STUCK AT THE FILTER!
:(

Ironic..

Ironically, with such a wide social circle, I have no one to talk to like right now..
Idiotic tears just flow down when I was all alone in library,
What on earth is wrong with me, it was just a rainy day as usual,
perhaps some incident just stop my brain from functioning,
I have no idea why I reacted that way, I don't know what am I trying to hide,
there's is nothing wrong isn't it? but why am I acting so weirdly?
and I am truly sorry but I have no stand to say that to you..Do I?
I might soon be labelled as the weirdest girl in the world..

2 sentences, that all I talked to her, and none to him..
Is that the sign of the end of the friendship?
Totally not in mood in anything considering whatever I am having today were all about MiC..

In need of someone's shoulder to cry on..
I am weak right now..and HUNGRY..=.="

Annoyed..

Dr. Kevin is allergic to incompetence..and I on the other hand am allergic to irresponsibility..feel like swearing out loud now but I am trying to be civilize here..why is everyone (mostly) around me does not have a sense of responsibility? what do you mean by no time? finish what you are supposed to do before doing those unnecessary stuff, ie, going out for a party, and spend your night drinking! Don't ever come to complain that you can't finish certain duties I had allocated to you because you are "busy", you are not the only one and I am doing all your jobs all this while!

YOU and YOU and YOU! so called his close friends yet you guys just don't give a shit on him. I am trying to be nice here by hosting an event and all you all did are just clicking "like", seriously? being sensitive about not being invited to someone's birthday celebration who you are not really close with and now I AM BLOODY INVITING YOU to your so called close friend's 21st Birthday celebration, but you just don't care, what kind of HOMO SAPIENS are you? I am sorry if I just delete the event, but I really don't feel like dealing with all this anymore. You guys might be thinking why I care so much about him but if you people ever realised, I care for everyone, perhaps that's the least I can do for my close friends who study together everyday and hang out together most of the time? I know there are rumours out there about me and him, but frankly speaking, if we ever want to compare the level of "closeness" I can say out loud that you people are so much closer to him than I am. Oh well, whatever, not like I care how you people handle your own friendship, but don't ever bother come and ask me why I do what I am going to do next..

And now the fireworks are really annoying!I am sorry that you guys are enjoying out there but I am really in a foul mood now..don't even feel like going to uni tomorrow to face all the hypocrites..I CAN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE, why do I even come back at the 1st place?

sorry for all the ranting again..but it seems like I can only rant it here because I find myself annoying sometimes as well..this is what we called........."LIFE"

12.11AM...tears just rolled down without any reason. Listening to "In Love", and my heart started to feel hurt, no idea what trigger that..has been a while I have this kind of emotional break down..

November...

When it comes to November, I always have this question, WHY IS EVERYONE'S BIRTHDAY ON NOVEMBER!3 cakes a week is no fun..organising all the surprise party for every single close friends who are turning 21 this year lagi no fun when there are so much work to be done. oh well..that's not what bothering me the most now, what's bothering me now is why am I forever so tired when I already had enough sleep..=(..catching up with studies is fun, enjoy studying alone though I miss all my study buddies back in Melb..but well, I am starting to get used to the life here..

Anyway! I am tired and thanks God tomorrow is holiday, but I have no idea why I don't have any holiday mood! well, probably because I have things planned out for tomorrow already, and "running errand is fun!"..realising haven't prepare my seminar material and my proposal for my assignment!!SERIOUSLY, dear Juniors, I am sorry but I really don't have anymore time to help you guys up until I finish my assignment proposal..

After re-read what I wrote, realised everything is not linked..but well, talking crap here..think I should get back to sleep after being shocked by all the fireworks..HAPPY DEEPAVALI!!

ohya, surprisingly I was in very good mood when I woke up this morning, no idea why, could due to the weather, could due to the events happening in my life now, maybe I had finally let go whatever I used to hold it so tight, or might even because I have some mental illness..hmmmm...night!

NOVEMBER IS JUST SO NOT MY MONTH..=.="..Hectic life, and I am learning to enjoy it..

p/s: whatever came from your mouth will not influence me anymore, sorry for not talking to you or not even looking at you, but you are the one who made me to do that to you, have fun fooling people around but I will not be the victim anymore..oh, and you!I love you for backing me up!is fun to see you being so sarcastic..=p

I eat a lot nowadays, I eat when I am stress, I eat when I am down, I eat when I am hungry, I eat when I am happy..so EAT DIE ME..=D

night world...xoxo

thank you..=D

If you ever read this, all I wanted to say is thank you..
Thank you so much for the accompaniment and willing to lend me your ears..
Clearly know that you are extremely busy and I really appreciate it..
Since I started year 2, I wasn't really always in the happy mood till I met you and started talking..
You always never fail to make me laugh and make me feel happy from the bottom of my heart..
I enjoyed the moment everytime we hang out though I was very tired most of the time..
Talking to you made me feel sooo much better..
And talking to you I don't feel any stress at all..I am surprised that we can interact well..
Probably you are someone who got arranged by fate to substitute those friends who had left me..
Anyway, I cherish every single friendship, and that includes you..:)
Hope you stay happy everyday and fighting for your coming exam!
And you are not worthless!
You are priceless and you are so much better than what you are expecting about yourself..;)
So, thanks again and take care..^^
goodnight! sleep tight!:)

失而復得。。

有時，失而復得並不是件好事。。
曾經，我因失去了你送我的東西傷心了很久。。
如今，無意閒在書包找書時，它出現了。。
看著它，我不曉得自己該怎麽做。。
回憶一幕一幕地在腦海裏播著。。
雖然心痛的感覺不再有，但在這憂鬱的雨天，怎會沒感觸？
一個人靜靜的在圖書館讀書，打擾我的不是人，而是感覺。。
你影響了我的思緒。。我卻拿你沒辦法。。

在想，短短的三天，事情怎會變得那麽僵。。
朋友卻説，不要說三天，一小時一能發生好多事了。。
我領悟了吧？又或許還沒？
現在的我已精疲力盡。。不要在問我爲什麽那麽冷。。
不要再問我，爲什麽我在遠離你們。。
這就是我應該做的吧。。
只想一個人好好的。。等著我未來的他。。
就這樣。。

time to go back to book..:3

此刻的我。。

此刻的我並不希望有人能聆聽我所有想說的話。。
只希望有人能靜靜地坐在我身邊讓我依靠。。

好希望十一月快結束，那我就可以與這些人畫上句點。。
厭倦了這一切的一切，虛僞的人啊，我很快就會離你們而去。。

累了就要休息，想要的就要爭取，只是，現實生活裏，並沒那麽簡單。。
我的腦一秒都沒停過，只想找出我要的答案，但答案也就只有有些人能告訴我。。

而你卻在那裏？

晚安。。

Sleepless night...

things started to go wild in my mind when insomnia strike, been spending most of my night either in Library or ISV recently, after sending the kids off to ISV, 2 batchmates of mine happened to appear and we had some chat about what to do for our friend's birthday, God knows I will find out things that strike my heart. I will never expect this friend of mine who sit next to me everyday during lectures will go around and sabotage me saying how mean I am to her..but well, I don't deny about what I did, I love to give people cold shoulder when I am unhappy, I don't initiate conversation when I was trying to focus during lectures, I don't like people keep staring at my notes when I was trying to jot down whatever I can get from the lecturers. Is true that I used to think is my problem, but I just can't be bothered anymore but I really never expect that you acting so nicely and so caring to me everyday in uni and ended up being the one who talked bad about me behind me?I am grateful enough that those 2 batchmates realised something is not right and willing to bring that up to me, and is so great that they used to think I am who she told. I am sorry for not being able to reach your standard of being your friend because that is just who I am, take it or leave it, I don't give a damn, is not that I can't live without friends. Frankly speaking I, already have all the wonderful people in my life, I don't need you to be there to screw mine. Just leave me alone.

Seriously, what is going on with this world?why those people keep appearing in my life, I am sorry to say that, I wouldn't even start talking to you on the 1st day I enter uni if my close friend is not your groupmate. GROW UP!you are bloody turning 21 this year, and you are doing all the high school stuff, you are the only child in the family doesn't mean you can go around and do what you like!This is so gona ruin my moodfor the day again.

Monday Blue

No idea why am I so emo early in the morning..surprisingly I was driving 80km/h along the way to uni, I was hoping the traffic light will turn red so I can sit and chill in the car, listening to the emo song played by my modulator and watching the rain falling infront of me..I am so lazy to talk or even smile when friends were talking to me..chose to sit all alone in one corner of the library though they were friends who were having same break time with me. No idea if my brain actually absorb what I studied..all I know is I totally don't have the mood to talk to anyone. what's going on with me?

Perhaps I know what happened to me but I guess I can't really bring that up to anyone. This should not influence me now, well, is not the right thing to think about now I guess? Wish I could just bury that deep into my heart and forget all about that for now.

Been telling myself not to get involve with anything which is unrelated to me, been telling myself not to care everything happens around me, but why am I feeling so left out when I was so called part of the team number and know nothing about what's going on?yes..I don't like talking to you because you love fighting with me over something that is got to do with my personal thinking..but that doesn't mean you have the right to exclude me out for the "official" meeting for an official event? Should I be glad or upset?Glad that I will not have much workload because those are none of my business and upset that I am your so called friend and i got neglected? Feeling so awkward when friends around me asking why am I here when other members are having meeting..All I can say is I have no idea, I wasn't called up to attend the meeting. Anyway, what I don't wish to happen is finally happening. Positions affecting the friendship, priority got misplaced, whatever it is, I should just let go, since I am fine with my life alone. Had a chat with one of the members whom I didn't expect will have a conversation just between us, it actually made me feel worst by knowing everything about what they discussed and I was not involved. Sometimes, is better not to know anything then hearing something from someone else.

Wish time can pass faster since there is no way for me to quit now..

another emotional weekend..

Finally most of the things are coming to the end, or maybe is just the beginning..Uni reopen till now, today is the only day I could sleep till 9am..how sad is that?well, lots of incidence happened since uni reopen, Orientation, Student Union and all the Societies I got involved just stopped me from breathing..Though was really tired, but I learnt a lot and realized how naive I was or maybe how idiotic I was in the past 1 year. I wouldn't say I enjoyed the whole process. again, people around me are changing, or perhaps I was the one who kept changing..I am no longer that enthu though I will still do my best to get things done in order to make everyone happy. But I am so sick with all the outcomes I got, people are taking me for granted, my so called close friend is no longer that close, I am back to the origin again. I am all alone. Ironically, I do enjoy the lonely moment where I don't have to fake myself to smile to who I didn't want to talk to and trying to accept his so called matured reasoning..I always wonder, how could a guy keep telling me how matured he is when the fact is he is extremely childish?How could someone can just keep telling he wants ideas from everyone to make it fair but the in the end he was still the 1 who said it all..From what I understand, the conversation should not have started from the very beginning.

I used to believe human nature is kind..but everything happened around me like right now is pulling my faith down, I no longer trust people so easily yet I feel so transparent infront of everyone..everyone knows what I am thinking?!!I used to believe in love, but thanks to past experience, I never want to get involve again..till now when I started to let go a bit thinking of accepting it again, some incidence just stop me from doing so..what is really going on in this world?Is it purely because of the hormone or guys are designed like that naturally?why cant a guy just stick to 1 girl and be faithful to her?not even when you are already married?not trying to generalise everyone but well, that's what I always see..because of that period of happiness, you are willing to ruin the warm family you built up, are you crazy, insane or brainless?because of someone who is not going to be there with you forever, because of someone who did not even involve with the hardship of your life in the past, is that really worth it?you have all the smart kids with a dedicated wife, what are you expecting more?not trying to be harsh, but do guys really think without using their brain?or their hormoneS say it all?

Last night before sleep, I don't know why people suddenly came and told me how much they wish to have a boyfriend, need someone to rely on, life is dull and no excitement..well, I would say mine too..I am sick of being so independent, sick of staying strong, but the thing is..who is there for me to rely on?looking back to the past, with everything I saw..I am not brave enough to take up the challenge until someone right for me appears..If not, sorry if I don't reply your message.

好累。。

好久沒回到屬於自己一個人的地方。。考完試至今仿佛腳步沒有停下來過。。只想好好過屬於自己的假期。。但慢慢發現。。我，活在這世界上好像就只是爲了別人而活。。有時太堅強可能也不是一件好事。。身邊的朋友，不曉得是不是自己的問題，總是感覺，他們，變了。。變得我都不曉得自己接不接受得了。。假期，只然而然就會與好久不見的朋友見見面，敍敍舊。。只是，我好像沒有什麽話題好聊了。。身邊發生了好多事，讓我不想再去了解與參與。。裹著自己的生活，一個人的。。可能比較好吧。。

有時覺得自己很幸福，有時又覺得，真的很希望能讓家人看到我並沒有那麽堅強，一樣需要得到安慰。。有時，一句關心的話真的能讓我開心一整天，只是，怎麽總是那麽遙不可及？昨天和自己最要好的男性朋友聊了心事，想知道爲什麽女生的思想中是那麽複雜。。明明不管我的事卻會因爲妒忌而重傷我，即使是所謂的好朋友。。我記得他對我說，"you had prove yourself for being capable and over independent, that is why your parents will leave all the decision to you, you are a powerful girl." 我只回了他一句，"If I am that powerful, why is everyone not listening to me?I have no power at all." 他告訴我說，"You had compromised too much, trying hard to please eveyone, and they thought you are strong enough to handle everything." 我醒了。。或許，我真的不應該再容忍，處處讓步，可是。。Is it too late to say I am actually very weak inside?

我好累。。好像離開這裡，讓自己的心定下來，做些為自己做的事。。讓自己開心些。。這樣的願望真的有那麽難達到嗎？我不懂。。

silent night..

3 months..been 3 months since I last came here..no idea what stop me from writing..sitting on the beanbag..looking out of my window..wind breezing..it somehow makes me think of this place..brought me back to the life in Melb..remembering how I spent my night when I was alone..sitting alone at Dockland with the super cold weather..watching all the lights and the car crossing the bridge..perhaps is also because my laptop is dying..I have no idea why am I feeling so down watching my laptop dies off slowly..it makes me think of how am I going to deal with the patients who are dying in the future?well..laptop..though it is not a living thing..but it had accompanied me through all the tough time..since year 2008.. the point where my life started to change..it was a wonderful friend that I wouldn't wish to abandon..but it seems like it is going to leave me soon..feeling emo at this hour isn't a good thing..ever since I started my uni here, things been changing..my life is totally different now..and it makes me realised lots more things..some bitter memories had now become the sweet one..could it due to the fact that I had let go?been thinking lots of stuff nowadays before I sleep..been questioning my mum too while having meal together..I still remember I asked my mum this..:"ma, do you really think I am fit to be a doctor?I am worried that I cant deal with death..a drama can make me cry like mad.."is not about how good the actress and actors act..but the fact that I tried to put myself into the scenario, will I be able to cope with it?how am I going to deal with the time if I am still an intern, and one of my love one is going to leave me on the day I am going to be a doctor officially?will I still be able to stand up?how am I going to deal with the moment if one day I found out I have a tumour that could lose my life and I just started my medical career?will I be able to convince a lil girl to amputate her gangrene hand when she is in love with violin?so many doubts in my mind right now..what my mum replied was.."I am actually quite worried too..you can't even stand a dog being canned by bro..you can't stand a dog crying infront of you..what will happen in the future.." well..It is not very encouraging but that's also the facts I want to listen to..BUT the thing now is..will I be able to give up?I doubt so again..been through so many obstacles, and I am finally here..how could I possibly give up?

sis was telling me tomorrow is GAMSAT examination day..it brought me back to last year..at this moment of last year..I was lying on the sofa in the apartment of Spencer st, the guy slept on the other end was the 1 who told me how much he liked me that night..all the memories are back again..and the truth now is..we are a complete stranger right now..how ironic can this world be?NO..no heartache, no tears, no sadness..m just feeling emotional, how could things change in such a short time?no one could predict what will happen next..again I wonder, shouldn't you tell the one you really like no matter what the outcome is?so that you will not have any regrets..but how easy can that be done?I used to think that, as long as you like someone, any factors that might stop you will just disappear..but as we grow up, we realised that is not the case..again, though I don mind being friends again but how many people can be like what you want?so many things in my mind right now that I couldn't describe..but right now..I wish to have a getaway..been saying this donno how many thousands time, but I just don't have the time..I always tell me myself the phrase " don't have time" is just an excuse, because you are the one who arrange it..everyone has the same amount of time in a day..is all depends on how you organise it..but again..is easy to say than done..I willing to sacrifice my sleep to finish what I want to do, but how long can my body stand?I have to learn to accept the fact that things will not follow as you wish..sometimes I feel that I am not matured enough..not capable enough to help people around me who needs help..I am not wise enough to make certain decision..and I am not rational enough to control my own tempered..I am not a perfectionist, I just wish that things could happen in order, things arrange in order and not everywhere..

well..guess I need more reflection about all my behaviours and the way I lead my life..I don;t really like who I am now..I can be better,isn't it?

time to sleep, good night world..
hope I will feel better tomorrow..=)