3 months..been 3 months since I last came here..no idea what stop me from writing..sitting on the beanbag..looking out of my window..wind breezing..it somehow makes me think of this place..brought me back to the life in Melb..remembering how I spent my night when I was alone..sitting alone at Dockland with the super cold weather..watching all the lights and the car crossing the bridge..perhaps is also because my laptop is dying..I have no idea why am I feeling so down watching my laptop dies off slowly..it makes me think of how am I going to deal with the patients who are dying in the future?well..laptop..though it is not a living thing..but it had accompanied me through all the tough time..since year 2008.. the point where my life started to change..it was a wonderful friend that I wouldn't wish to abandon..but it seems like it is going to leave me soon..feeling emo at this hour isn't a good thing..ever since I started my uni here, things been changing..my life is totally different now..and it makes me realised lots more things..some bitter memories had now become the sweet one..could it due to the fact that I had let go?been thinking lots of stuff nowadays before I sleep..been questioning my mum too while having meal together..I still remember I asked my mum this..:"ma, do you really think I am fit to be a doctor?I am worried that I cant deal with death..a drama can make me cry like mad.."is not about how good the actress and actors act..but the fact that I tried to put myself into the scenario, will I be able to cope with it?how am I going to deal with the time if I am still an intern, and one of my love one is going to leave me on the day I am going to be a doctor officially?will I still be able to stand up?how am I going to deal with the moment if one day I found out I have a tumour that could lose my life and I just started my medical career?will I be able to convince a lil girl to amputate her gangrene hand when she is in love with violin?so many doubts in my mind right now..what my mum replied was.."I am actually quite worried too..you can't even stand a dog being canned by bro..you can't stand a dog crying infront of you..what will happen in the future.." well..It is not very encouraging but that's also the facts I want to listen to..BUT the thing now is..will I be able to give up?I doubt so again..been through so many obstacles, and I am finally here..how could I possibly give up?
sis was telling me tomorrow is GAMSAT examination day..it brought me back to last year..at this moment of last year..I was lying on the sofa in the apartment of Spencer st, the guy slept on the other end was the 1 who told me how much he liked me that night..all the memories are back again..and the truth now is..we are a complete stranger right now..how ironic can this world be?NO..no heartache, no tears, no sadness..m just feeling emotional, how could things change in such a short time?no one could predict what will happen next..again I wonder, shouldn't you tell the one you really like no matter what the outcome is?so that you will not have any regrets..but how easy can that be done?I used to think that, as long as you like someone, any factors that might stop you will just disappear..but as we grow up, we realised that is not the case..again, though I don mind being friends again but how many people can be like what you want?so many things in my mind right now that I couldn't describe..but right now..I wish to have a getaway..been saying this donno how many thousands time, but I just don't have the time..I always tell me myself the phrase " don't have time" is just an excuse, because you are the one who arrange it..everyone has the same amount of time in a day..is all depends on how you organise it..but again..is easy to say than done..I willing to sacrifice my sleep to finish what I want to do, but how long can my body stand?I have to learn to accept the fact that things will not follow as you wish..sometimes I feel that I am not matured enough..not capable enough to help people around me who needs help..I am not wise enough to make certain decision..and I am not rational enough to control my own tempered..I am not a perfectionist, I just wish that things could happen in order, things arrange in order and not everywhere..
well..guess I need more reflection about all my behaviours and the way I lead my life..I don;t really like who I am now..I can be better,isn't it?
time to sleep, good night world..
hope I will feel better tomorrow..=)
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