31st December 2010!

haha!!last day for year 2010..and I shall end it happily..so 1stly..I need to apologize to J for being so emo last night..hope I didn't screw his night..and actually planned to countdown with my cousinssssss...but they forgot to buy bus tic..so yea..ffk me..so hmm..gona celebrate with my family instead!hopefully will be an awesome night tonight with my family!!keke..

so since is the last day of year 2010..I shouldn't be so unhappy..I shall leave all the unhappiness back step back and relax and welcome my year 2011 which will definitely be awesome!J..happy now??I listen to u..hahaha!!so yea..off I go..dad gona treat me my last breakie in year 2010!!muahahaha!!!tata!!hope all of you have an awesome nite!!

Celeste!!have a safe flight back to Melbourne!!Jasmine!!hope you are settling down in Melbourne now..miss you girls..and I gona say I was super happy when hanging out with my convent buddies 2 days back..and the video my airen made is just too awesome!!haha!!thanks airen!!

Here's the video..huhu..



Cheers~~

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!=)

WEEE!!

okay..gona update a lil stuff here..buahaha!!eventhough I didnt have a super awesome Christmas..but there are still things can lighten up my days!!haha!!SO!I am turning 21st in less then 3 months!!and I am starting to collect my 21st birthday present now!!buahaha!!I got a new netbook from my godma..and a limited edition watch from my godma's friend..mum brought me around the jewellery shop..she want to get me a pure gold key pendant!hahaha..and godma want to get me a platinum key pendant..and recently my mum just bought me a platinum heart shaped diamond pendant as my xmas present!I got my 1st xmas present from my mum..omg!!I have lots of pendant now..zhan zhan!!!here's some photos!!=p

my xmas present!

张栋梁's signature..huhu..

haven got back my netbook yet..so no photos..=)..lalalala

ok..gtg..tata!!cheers~

Merry Xmas..

The suckest Christmas eve ever..my bro's birthday..we used to have celebration every year and countdown for Christmas..except this year..always waited for this day to come so that we can finally sit down together and have a proper meal together..and today..everything is so different and I am feeling so empty..been soo long for not having this crappy feelings..having this crappy feeling is not because we are not counting down for Christmas..but because of someone else..I should have listen to J..block and delete that bloody guy who always come and screw my mood..I always thought I wont care whatever he talked to me anymore..but why is he always acting he is that great and I am always the wrong one..I hate this..feel like crying..feel like talking to someone..but seems like the only one who understand how I feel is not here for me but busy celebrating Christmas with his/her friends..and I can't bear to disturb him/her..just told my friend loudly that I am super fine..and everything is over..then today that bloody guy came and gave me such a big Christmas present..I tried not to hate him..I seriously tried..but why is he always appear at the wrong time..I am feeling so useless..I feel like shouting..I told my mum I am unhappy..super unhappy..but I can't tell her why..I can't cry..is my bro's birthday..is Christmas eve!is supposed to be a joyful festival..what the hell can I do?!TELL ME!what the hell do you want from me?!leave me alone!I am seriously leading an awesome life without you..I am done..I don't understand why some people can be so selfish..trying to screw people life when they can't get their happiness..why are they being sarcastic when they saw people feeling so happy..why does he need to say.."hope your happiness is not due to repression.."damn you man..seriously..I don't know why I care so much about that..and of course my happiness is not due to repression..so please stop thinking so highly about yourself..if you still want to be friend..keep your mouth shut and behave yourself..I don't need you to lecture me on this joyful festival..if not just get yourself out of my life completely..yes..completely..I don't need you to be there to screw my life and hurt me constantly..

No matter what..Happy Birthday..My beloved Brother..sorry for not being able to celebrate with you because of dad..we love you..as usual..=)

New Hairstyle!!

Finally!!after 5 years..finally have the gut to cut my hair short!not short but yea..so much shorter then my usual hairstyle..muahahaha!!feeeling super weird now..my head soo light now!!and I act feel so refreshing!!zhan zhan!!=p..okie..I got shock by myself when I walk out from my toilet and seeing myself being so weird infront of the mirror!hahaha!!so..no hair to play with nemor..and the hairdresser was so happily cutting my hair since my hair was so long..so she can anyhow start..cna't describe the feelings when she cut my hair..she was soo fast..well..since my power is kinda high..so I cant really see how I look like without my spec on..the moment I put on my spec..I was soo shock..my reaction was.."omg..so short!hahaha!"well..I feel like I am a little kid now..but I am turning 21 in less than 3 months time!my god my god!anyway..this is how I look like now!my new hairstyle!!ZHAN ZHAN!!!!

                                                    emo-ing..hahaha!!!

k..gtg now..cheerssss~~~

was going through the facebook newfeed..guess everyone knows about the news regarding this guy committed suicide because of the broken relationship..well..was reading about people's comments..I kind of find it ridiculous for them to actually anyhow criticize him in the public..yea..is foolish to commit suicide because of relationship..but the things is..those people who are commenting..do there actually know how he was feeling?do there know what condition he was in?I kind of get annoyed when people anyhow judging people based on one side story..they know nothing when they were criticizing people in the net..I used to think why people feel like committing suicide when they are depressed..seriously no one will know until when they really get depression..I am talking about medically depressed..not the random emo kids..emo for nothing..and yea..frankly speaking..I almost tried to kill myself this year before the final exam..I was soo stress about my studies..family pressure as well..feel like giving up..like I said I always think is stupid to commit suicide..and I always wonder why people chose to end their life..in fact..when you are in the stage where you have no one to turn to and you are feeling really mentally depressed..ending your life is the only thing that comes into your mind..I remember while I was waiting for train to go back to city from Clayton..I was actually thinking about jumping down the track when the train is going to arrive..when I reached home..I threw everything on the floor..banging my head to the wall..stuff myself into the pillow and tried to screw as loud as I can..trying to vent all the stress out..and cry madly for no reason..I stayed on 29th floor..all I can remember was I was crying non stop..actually I was trying to study but nothing went into my mind and I started to panic..all the negative thought and power just rush into my brain cell..I stood on the balcony looking down from the balcony..I was actually thinking how will it feel if I just jump down like this..was thinking will all the stress just go away if I jump down..I seriously don't know who to turn to..I know by talking to someone will always help..but not everyone will always be there for you..anyway..when I actually wanted to jump off..I don't know why I want to do that..my mind just went all blank..my phone rang..it was my mum..panicking asking me whether I am fine..she said she was sleeping and she dreamt something bad about me..and yea..I was crying like crazy and I told my mum how stress I was..thanks to my mum..I am here today..and I finally understand why depression leads to suicidal..you won't know whatever you are going to do is right or wrong..all you want at that very moment is to end all the annoying feeling..you will just went out of the mind..so why commenting and criticize people when they actually know nothing..why not they just try to go through what he went through and see how are they going to deal with it?why don't those people try to understand how he feels and learn how to sympathize people who are having a problem to walk out of the misery?why are they so many depression patient in this world?because this world is not warm enough..reality is cruel..there are people like them..commenting "want to die then go die..no one will care.."..isn't that encouraging?being sarcastic is not a way to help them..they need love and care..what happened to this world?most of the people only know how to judge the book by the cover..they don't even willing to take some time to look into the matter and try to understand the whole situation before they try to make any conclusion..or some of them just follow the trend..follow whatever people say..try to understand the whole situation is the least to do before making a conclusion..even primary science student who had lab before knew that..and yea..so come on..keep all the swallow thinking to yourself and stop making a fool of yourself..imagine what will his parents feel when they read the comments..you will never know how heart broken his parents are..so stop judging when you bloody know nothing..is pathetic enough to screw by those people who don't know how to appreciate relationship and took people's love for granted..

night world..

little updates..=)

well..been talking to a few doctors nowadays..as in..random chat..not for medical check up and stuff..anyway..I slowly realised I am kind of interested in dermatology rather than cardiology and nuero which I used to think is super cool to explore human's heart and brain..but according to the doctors..in real life..cardiology is fun but neuro is kind of bored and you will not have any achievement in the sense of that you will not have any break through for the technologies nowadays and also for the treatment..whereas for dermatology..there are tons of new technologies in market now..and I never know Singapore has the most advance technologies in medical field..one of the doctor I was chatting with was graduated from Queen's Uni in UK..He took 10 years to specialised with his degree..and now he is tutoring in NUS and working in one of the hospital in Singapore for internal medicine..he told me that he won't need to walk around every morning now..he can just sit back in his office..using all the technologies to find out the temperature of the patients, heart rate and blood pressure..even their current condition..even my friends who are doing internship in Australia now need to wake around 5am just to walk around the ward..haha!!and he told me he was in UK for 10 years..and came back 2 years ago..what surprised him was country like US,UK and AUS do not dare to try something new and country like Japan, Thailand, Singapore are totally different..and yea..I am surprised too..I always love to chat with doctors..listen to their story and experience is fun..they will always tell me something interesting they met in hospital or even during their internship..and I love the way they encourage me..telling me to work hard. joking about reserving me a place in the future..okay..I don't know whether that's a joke but it really keeps me moving on and keep motivating me..we never know what will happened in the future..never know whether I will give up..but those are the things that keep me moving now and I appreciate that..the way they talk to me..like they finally found someone who understand their language..haha!and I seriously had a great time chatting with them..doctors are awesome!and I am so gona be one..nothing is going to stop me from pursuing my dream and I mean it..

okay..so..nowadays..my heart beats super fast without reason..and I just find out I have astigmatism which is sucks!because it is driving me crazy when I am driving at night..I am seriously so upset about it..but good thing is my power went down again!haha!!ohyea..finally had a few hours to hang out with my friends 2 days back..and I am glad our friendship is still there..is like we didn't meet for 1 or 2 years..but we still can update our life without feeling pressure..and I just love that kind of feelings..friends might not be forever but somehow we still need our friends to keep our life going isn't..imagine you don't have a single friends..hmm..anyway..when I was in sec..I always put my friends in the 1st place..which is kind a stupid because there are still so many things much more important than friends..last time I always have a mindset about the more friends I have the happier I am which is super untrue..because the more friends you have the lesser you actually know about your friends..you never know the friends you put them in priority will backstab you one day or whatsoever..and now when people come to me telling me they don't have much friends..and complain about it..I will always asked them back..do you have a few close friends who you can talk to when you need someone to be there?when they say yes..my reply will be..that's enough..isn't it true?what is the point when you have tons of friends when none of them understand you and unwilling to be there when u need them?so yea..that's my recent thought..few more questions in my mind and been wondering about it before I sleep but I shall stop here now..parents waking up soon..got to get everything done now..so tata!!

cheers~

just some random stuff..

I was up early today..partly because my dad need to leave the town super early today..So I have to wake super early as well to get ready for him..prepare breakfast for him and also food and drinks for him to eat on the way..and also 1 of the reason I was up so early is because I can't sleep well..I am not sure why..but something kept woke me up middle of the night..I hardly have dreams..but last night I dreamt about I got insulted and being rejected by someone again..I can't really remember who did that to me..but I seriously can feel my heart is aching when I was asleep..this is not good..woke up with a super depressed mood..and I don't know what to do..

anyway..went through the facebook's new feed..and I realiased..people really do change..perhaps that's the real them and I never know till now or maybe they act well infront of me..I don't look down on them but yea..I am disappointed..I can't deny I never change but I have to say I didn't change to the worst..I used to be very rebellious..I oppose my mum all the time..I talked back and I increased my voice whenever I got angry..which is bad...because she is my mum..no matter how wrong she is I shouldn't be like that..but once I leave home I know I shouldn't take everything for granted..like one said..you shout when you are angry is because your heart is far away from the one you are shouting at..anyway..seriously..I never regret to leave home so early..frankly speaking..I chose to leave home because I am sick of the shouting episode..I want to explore the world..I want to know what will happened to me when I am alone..and yea..thanks to my parents..I have the opportunities to go oversea..without them I am nothing today..without them I am still a rebellious kid who everyone hates..without them I can't do anything by myself..so..so what when my parents scolded me over something I really did wrong..so what when they scolded me when they are in bad mood after working the whole day?do my part and don't fight back..sit down and let them vent their anger on you..when they cool down they will come and apologise..isn't that a better way to deal with things..at least they know there is a place call home where their kids are always there for them..If not what is a family for?I don't how other people thinks..but that's is my point of view..I used to complain about my brother and sister who always bully me by asking me to help them with all the stuff..I used to think being the youngest should let everyone to dote on..but come to think of it..I should thanks them as well..because of them I know how to deal with all sort of situation..being independent and strong..and no matter how much things they asked me to do I know deep in their heart they still love me and care for me..that's enough..don't have to say it out..action is more then enough..having a good relationship with siblings isn't an easy task..friends around me always asked how can I have such a good kinship with my sister..how is it possible to stay with your sister in one studio apartment and sleep together on a queen size bed..this is how you do it..be nice to them..don't get annoyed easily communicate with them..they will treat you back the same..when we were small..I never know all this..instead..I always fight back and got beated by my mum for being acting that way..and I always think my mum is bias and no one cares about me..isn't that childish..anyway..I don't how I come to this part but the main point is..even if I change..I won't change to the worst..because I won't want to let my family down..and I know I can't say anything to my friends who changed so much since our thinking are different..

so yea..that is how emo I am early inthe morning..and I seriously hate being emo now..and I should appreciate  everything I have now..anyway..that's it!gona off to work again..

cheers~

Summer break in Msia so far..

well..touched down to my homeland 3 days already..and sadly my mum was sick..is like something common whenever I come back..my mum will surely sick..so yea..like I said..got tons of work waiting for me to do..and now because my mum is sick..I have more work to do..my mum is like a little kid who will never listen to me..as in..everytime asked her to eat something healthy she will said..save it for yourself..so I have no choice but to forced her in quite a impolite manner..but I know she understand..and she love to overload herself..love to walk soo much when her knee is kinda of injured..scolded her few times already but she will never listen..and yea..I am forced to make her sit down and help her to do everything..

something that I am really pissed off about is the contractor who are renovating my new house..I never know he treated my mum so badly when we siblings away..brought my mum to the site everyday..I will surely saw how the bloody contractor "ill treat" my mum..How can I bear with someone who treat my mum soo badly..and yea..of course I screwed him up..as in fight back for the right..and keep his mouth bloody shut and stop bombarding my mum with all the bloody words..I was bad enough to let my dad know..and my dad of course went to the site by himself and scolded him for his bad attitude..everytime I came back from the site I will be super angry..angry but still need to comfort my mum..mum just being too soft hearted..and she is not fierce enough..well..I am someone like if you treat me well..I will treat u well as well..or even double the "kindness"..but if you ill treat me or harm my family or friends..you watch out..I won't show any mercy..and I am not calm down yet..because I just came back from the site..and I realised by speeding can calm me down faster..but will make my mum heart attack!haha!so on the way back I will drive normally..dropped my mum off and drive around my Taman in a faster speed..and guess my mum knew it..

so..afterall..other then busy still busy..waiting for mum to get ready and gona go out again..I love the time being with mum..cherish every moment with my mum..and MY BRO IS COMING BACK TOMORROW!!can't wait for him to call me "meii" again..haha..I miss him..miss the time we always fight..keke..so yea..will stop here then..will update soooon!=)

p/s:sorry for not attending most of the gathering..my mum is more important!=p..hope you guys understand!!
cheers~

I am Back!!!

Woohoo!!I am finally back home..I am started to get excited now!can't wait to see my new house in donno how many hours time..mum was telling me to choose the tile for my own bedroom!!lalala!!!

Anyway..I am going to tell a bit bout my Air Asia experience today..1stly..Like I said in Facebook..I was impressed..and Air Asia isn't that bad like I used to think..okay..so before boarding..I got asked to go for the full body check again..They always said is random selection but I am the 1 who always got it..eversince I started studying in Melbourne..perhaps I really look like a drug addict!!haha..next..after on board..I was admiring the inner part of A320 I think..I like the seats because is made of leather..haha!okay..lame..well..the only thing I don't like was..you have to pay for everything..and yea..I end up eating nothing..starve myself for 8 hours..than sleep all the way till my migraine started to attack me..and hey!this is the 1st time I didn't get any nose block!!okay..so spending that 8 hours on plane without doing anything was disaster!

Next!Landed in KL..LCC terminal..frankly speaking..I was kind of shock..my brain suddenly got stuck when looking on the direction board..for a moment I couldn't understand all the Malay words..and it was raining..so my mood was pretty bad..and they took me ages to collect my luggage!After that I need to check in for the next flight to Singapore..the idiotic and super unfriendly stuff screw my whole day..she seriously sucks!charged me 20 ringgit just for that stupid 1.5 kg..ishh!sumore using the super impolite way to talk to me..feel like slapping her..anyway..2 more hours to boarding time..so I went in super early..and this time was the different case..everyone got full body check except me!!muahahaha!!Malaysia love me!!I stood there..and the officer actually said.."tak apa..u boleh jalan.."with a super big smile!!and that decrease my angry mood..while waiting to board..there was this family from Melbourne as well..came and talk to me..apparently the son is from Melbourne Uni!!ahaha!well..this family is great!they are nice..they even told me lots of history..we chatted lots of stuff..from politic to history..haha!!

then finally board on to the A200..I was sitting in the middle..1 old man was sitting on my left side and midde aged woman sitting on my right..the weather was super bad..within 50 minutes flight..almost 30 minutes the plane was shaking due to the super strong turbulence..and middle aged woman apparently has heart disease and she couldn't take it.she suddenly grabbed me soo tight and keep telling me she was very scared..I tried to cool her down..then the old man started to talk to me..we had some chat and the turbulence started again..it went worst..the woman's hot coffee poured on my hands and leg..it was really hot but I didn't scream or angry..I act felt glad to get to help her..she kept saying sorry but I kept replying no worries I am fine..the funny part was..the old man asked me.."hey..what's your name?are you Singaporean or Malaysian?"I told him my name and said I am Malaysian..and he actually replied "no wonder..."..and yea..I don't know what to reply..hahaha!!so yea..back to this woman..she suddenly wanted to vomit..but the flight was about to land..and she didn't have a vomiting bag..I started to panic..pressing the button non stop but stewardess like didn't see..so I stood up and wave at the stewardess..luckily 1 of them saw and she reached just in time before the woman vomited..pheeew...haha!!in the end..she keep asking me to follow her and help her..so I did..my parents was waiting outside the gate..and watching whatever I did for the woman..and they got worried..because they scared the woman just want to act and put me into trouble..but all I know was I can't allow myself not to help anyone who are suffer next to me when I am able to help..and she told me she came to Singapore because she wanna see doctor for her heart disease..and she is pitiful enough to come alone..

so..I guess everything was fated..because her actual place is not next to me..she sat next to me is all because she was lazy to go to her actual seat which is next to the window..I can't imagine what will happen if she sit where she belongs to..no one is going to help her..because next to her is another old woman..hahaha!!so yea!I realised I seriously feel damn good to help people who are in need..the man next to me was actually kind of impressed..he kept praising me and said I did a good job..and yea..I was super happy..especially after meeting my parents!!my parents still sooo cute!!hahaha!!we had a super good lunch aka dinner aka supper..and dad promised to bring me to somewhere nice to eat my favourite cod fish!and they gona eat crabs and lobster!my god!can't wait for my sis and bro to come back as well!!reunion!!!hahaha!!

okay..time for bed!hahah!!nite everyone!!HOME SWEET HOME!!!=)

cheers~

leaving..

I am leaving Melbourne in err..22 hours!!haha!!okay..well..I don't really know how am I feeling right now..I am excited but I am kind sad too..I guess because I am so gona miss my sis damn a lot!back in Msia gona wake up without anyone sleeping next to me..no more hugging before I leave home..Arrgh..no one disturb me early in the morning..will I get used to it?haha!Come on!is only err 2 months!!okay..so now I am sad because I am leaving my sis temporary..kind of worried..without me around..no one cook for her..and I am quite sure she won't cook just for herself..we sister are really weird..we don't usually cook for ourselves when we are alone..because is too troublesome to cook just for 1..haha!but I already top up all the food in fridge!all the vegie nicely cut and put it in the container already..so will be more convenient for her..top up all her favorite dry food as well..haha!!she is so gona love me soo much!anyway..my sis today was really sticky..she hug me in sleep till I can't move..then keep calling me all the time..isn't that sweet..haih..

so next!I am excited because I get to see my dad and mum and bro!my god..miss them like hell..and also my beloved godma who keep asking me about my flight detail..eagerly want to meet me and telling me she will be in Changi Airport few hours before..muahahaha!!I am so blissful..and sis told me have to be mentally and physically ready because there are tons of works waiting for me to accomplish!and yes!again..I am going to be super woman again..won't see me online so often anymore..because I will be working from morning to late night and I am sure I will enjoy it soo much!!and of course my buddies in JB,KL and Spore..just can't wait to see them..didn't hang out for soo long already..sure got a lot to catch up..haha!!

so yea!I am in a super hyper yet quite emo mood..I know is complicated but I am sure some of you will understand..haha..and yea!going to hang out with Chris and Sherroy later..yay!!muahaha!!

cheers~~

讽刺。。

和中国朋友聊多了变得想用中文写部落格。。反正这不是重点。。重点是。。我发现了一样很讽刺的事。。我竟然被他block了。。我不了。。为什么连朋友都不能做。。不是都说好了吗？讽刺的是。。我竟然是从我姐的户口知道的。。我姐也似乎有些事隐瞒着我。。我不知从何说起。。总之。。我的心现在隐隐作痛。。那种我不喜欢的感觉又回来了。。他是不是和我姐有联系。。为什么我姐变得那么神秘。。我以为我们的感情很好。。好到我们有对方的密码。。为什么当我问起。。“不知道他是不是block我了。。似乎好久没看见他在线上。。”她没有回答。。过后。。当我要帮她改机票需要登入她的hotmail 时。。密码已不一样了。。我问起时。。她似乎有点紧张。。甚至骗我说忘记了。。拿了我的电脑。。说可能看着电脑就会记得。。还真地记得了。。登入后。。我偷偷进了她的msn。。发现他在线上。。证明了我们之间的友谊就这样没了。。我不禁发出了声音。。姐应该发现了什么。。急忙跑了过来说她要删除掉一些邮件。。可我发现她根本不知道她在干什么。。反正当我拿回电脑时。。她已经sign out 了。。我很沮丧。。为什么要瞒着我。。也许那只是我的猜测。。可是如果真的有联系是不是应该通知我。。让我知道到底发生了什么事。。

Anyway I shall continue in English..was typing super slow and can't stand it..well..I seriously used to think I am really really really over it..considering I am leading a super awesome life now..and I am going back to Msia like in less than 2 days..come on..he shouldn't come in and interrupt my life anymore..I don't know why the hell I will think about him again..perhaps I didn't see him online anymore and I am feeling a bit weird that's why came out with that question..but hey..is he blaming me for not contacting him anymore?but what else he wants from me?since he knows we can't really talk because we will definitely be figiting when we start talking..I hate this feeling..don't understand why must it end up like that..FINE!is hard to talk normally again after breaking up..but can't we just try to be friend again..a super normal friend..in sense of you are on my MSN list..but we don't talk..okay..I am talking rubbish..whatever..I am having this complicated feelings right now..but is too over to act that way!so childish for what!arrgh!maybe I should just erase him from my memory so I won't have this kind of feelings anymore..but will I be able to do so..frankly speaking..no matter how much I over him..I never want it to end this way..I mean no matter how bad we fight..how terrible we were to each other when we broke up..when the time passed..everything started to calm down..I still care about him as a friend..nothing more..I am sad and I feel like crying not because he already over me..(well..he over me even before we broke up..so who cares..)I am upset because our friendship is officially over..wanting me to delete the memory means I have to delete every single memories during my college life..but my college life is the best time I ever had in my life so far..he is not the best guy I ever met but he is the guy who used to touched my heart..and how can I forget someone like that..

well..since that's what he want..I shall bear with it then..hopefully he is leading a good life now and get in to Monash MBBS next year..God bless him..

off to bed..cheers~