天真的我

看著他的狀況更新，我的心徹底死了。。我在他的人生裡終究也只是個過客。。或許是我自己太天真吧。。想說，當再有人說起他的不是，我應該試著不再為他辯護。。他畢竟不是我的甚麼人，也不值得我這麼做吧。。我或許應該把心鎖上了吧。。希望夢裡的我是稍微有點快樂的。。

又犯了。。

一切只能怪自己不夠堅強。。不夠定。。一切又要從來。。你就像毒品般讓我上了癮，怎樣都戒不掉。。我在這裡不斷地找著方法想要戒掉你毒，你卻在高興地讓更多癮君子染上你的毒。。這樣好嗎？即使你的毒無法讓人high起來，帶來的都是一大堆的副作用，仍然那麽多人染上了，真不簡單啊。。要怎樣才能變得更堅強？我還是一樣地好累。。

hot tempered me..

I have no idea where the hell did I inherit these bloody hot tempered from..I hate myself being that way..could it be the stress level I am having now?I feel so annoyed and pissed everyday for no reason..there are so many stuff in my mind waiting for me to deal with it..yet I am still in a mess of nothing..I don't know where to start and perhaps I had lost my way..I hate to be at home but I can't wait to go home everyday after class..I love to stay in my room alone yet I scared being lonely..I have no idea why I cried out of sudden..feel like screaming all the time but I can't do it..it makes me feel like going back to Melbourne all the time..I love the life there..because I have a place to go whenever I feel so terrible..I have someone to talk to face to face when I need someone to listen to me..and here?I have no one..I can't even talk to my sis about family problems either now..because whenever I started the topic..I ended up to be the terrible and horrible kids she ever seen..I have no right to rant..no right to be upset anything related to the family because I am the youngest..I have to do whatever they expected me to do and no..I am not a slave..that's is my duties to serve everyone in the house and I don't have the time to entertain myself by just watching a bloody series..because I was expected to study all the time..the only time I am free not to study is when I need to serve them and be their driver..all I want to say is..A MEDICAL STUDENT NEED HER LIFE TOO!A MEDICAL STUDENT IS NOT A GEEK WHO NEED TO STUDY 24/7..and you don't judge people until you are in the same situation..just bloody shut your mouth up..I am sorry for being so immature sometimes..but it just pissed me off so badly when you only think about yourself..never even consider my feelings..studying whole day..staying in hospital whole day is tired enough..why do I still need to carry the responsibility to do grocery when they is someone else free-er than me?why are you always so random?can be an angel and a devil at the same time?I know..family is important to me..family is the one who can support me..but why am I feeling it is bringing me down instead?arrgh..sometimes I just wish to stay in uni all day and don't come back..but I need to rest..why do I deserve that when I was resting..someone just bang in and ask me to do some not important?knocking my door like mad as if there is someone dying..seriously..how can I not being annoyed when all I want is just to have a peaceful resting time..I wish I can move to hostel..but I won't want to waste that money..damn..I am in dilemma..seriously..I need to be calmer and keep my tempered cooler..I need a temporary break away from here!

該放手了

讀了這篇文章，有種似曾相識的感覺，感觸很深。。摘自于臺灣likedget..

曾經以為十指緊緊握住的那一條線

其實不用放手就不見

因為根本沒有心繫的那條線

是該放手了  我選擇現在放手

你的笑還是那麼吸引我

然而 我還是得放手

你不說話的雙眼  還是會讓我心動不已

只是  我真的必須放手  放手讓我自己走

我所看到的真實體貼  你真的會讓人願意留在你身邊走也走不開

只是 我現在就得要放手  因為這是真實的生活  我必須放手

只是我的心有些時差必須要適應

適應不再想你  看你  聽你  念你  愛你  戀你  尋找你  收集你  談起你

調整遇見你時的城市跟我現實城市之中的時差

還好  那一年沒有衝動的飛越千里認識你

我們總是隔的遠遠的  遠的有時還能刻意忘記你

幸好  你熟悉的角落我不知道 

就像  你不知道我喜歡你那ㄧ雙手的包容

記憶中我們開始過嗎  或者這一切只是我的幻想

還是與你只是夢一場  不是來日方長

或者  這是注定 我真的必須和我的記憶分手..

祝福你 永遠幸福快樂

我該放手了  放手讓青春的夢走過成熟

若是能夠  我還是想牽你溫暖的手  讓你緊緊擁抱在懷中

如果你知道  會不會為我心疼感動

但願你能夠  祈禱能夠  如果能夠  能夠讓你知道我

曾經為你如此的深深愛過

a lil update..

Well..I would say..time really flies..I finished my 1st paper and got back my result..can I say I am really proud of myself because I had never get such a good result in Med school before..high grading was soo far from me in the past but I am actually getting it now..perhaps being alone in the town isn't a bad thing huh?no distraction I guess?but what really upset me now is my parents reaction about my hardworks..they took my result for granted..I wish they know how much effort I did put in.. realizing how much time I had put in studies..how much my life had changed since I came back from Melbourne..seriously, frankly speaking..I am still not used to the life here..yes..I spent my 17 years here and I only spent 3 years in Melbourne..but it really has a huge difference..anyway..I won't give up..their attitude and behavior will not be strong enough to pull me down..being a good doctor is my dream and I had already come this far..is too late to give up anyway..=p

well..talking about Prince Andrew..he is really an easy going and friendly Prince..sadly the 1st thing I heard from him was "what the hell is this?!"..I won't blame him for saying that..because he said that when I was performing a case with cathetherisation..a very disgusting procedure I would say..but overall..I have a really good impression about him..a small chat with him did lighten up my day..

back to uni life..is getting better I guess..have a pretty good relationship with my batchmate..considering they will shout my name whenever I enter the lecture hall..those guys were great eventhough I am like their elder sister there..but yea..enjoyable..workload wise..is really super heavy..I can feel a super huge rock landing on my shoulder..eventhough the next exam is on Jan..but I can really feel the stress now..presentation..assignments..clinical case performing going to come after one another..but I am really enjoying it..this is what I chose isn't it?

I can't wait for holiday..I need a break..sadly my UK trip got cancled!everything planned but dad suddenly disallow it..feeling so depressed..as if I was reaching the top of mount Everest but I slipped and falled..ARRGH!my roadtrip around UK!!Cardiff..Southamport..Edinburg..Scotland..Manchester..Liverpool and NEW CASTLE!!alll gone..my dream..vanished!but hey..I am still longing for my sis's return..and also all the awesome friends from Melbourne..

Exam period now in Melbourne..I am really so lonely here without anyone to talk to when everyone was busy hardcoring..and I was struggling if I should wish him good luck for his exam..my heart asked me to do so..but my brain stop me..so I should just follow my brain this time and stop my heart from getting anymore more injury..well..I guess thats all..

last thing..the weather here is killing me..it just makes me feel so sleepy all day during the weekend..and I so not proud to announce that I wasted my whole weekend watching Scrubs..

chaoz!

壓力。。

想說，忙碌的生活，壓力壓得我喘不過氣的生活，校園生活有點改善的生活並無法讓我把你徹底忘記，反而更加深了我對你的思念。。慢慢發現，時間無法把一切沖淡，無法將你抹去，唯一能想到的原因就只有一個，那就是，我放入的感情，對你是真的。。不曉得你是否也一樣，雖説再也沒有辦法聯絡上你，也沒有那個想法想再聯絡你，但事實是，在我壓力時更想你了。。有些時刻，有些歌就是會讓我的心泛起漣漪。。再也沒有辦法讓你知道我心裏的想法與感受，也不想打擾你的生活，就讓它成爲我心中的小秘密吧。。是會很辛苦，但你曾經對我說過這也算是成長的過程是吧？

開學一個月多了吧，功課量比我想象得多很多，每天都好累，感覺快垮了。。離考試就只有僅僅的四天，而我似乎沒有把該吸收的吸收完，雖説自己已經很努力，但就是沒有那種有十足把握的感覺。。唉。。感覺時間過得很快，但事實上卻沒有，感覺自己好像在這閒大學很久了，但實際上就短短的六星期。。好奇怪的感覺。。覺得自己已經很幸福，卻還是有點不足。。最近遇到的人都讓我感觸很深。。有著很多很奇怪的想法與感覺。。失眠了好多天，腦真的跑得比較慢了，朋友說的話都要process 很久，這樣下去，不行啊。。有時好不容易睡着了，卻有著猶如現實的夢，讓我分不清是真的還是只是夢，再不然就是，夢后全忘掉！但我知道，有好多夢都關於你。。是因爲太想你的緣故嗎？有人說，儅你夢見一個人時代表著她/他在向你。。我倒希望那是真的。。哈哈！！

下星期二，很慶幸被校方選中能與英國王家的Prince Andrew 有近距離的接觸，希望不要發生什麽醜事。。接下來期待的就只有放假，因爲。。我真的很累。。=((((

周記。。

9月19日
開學的第一天，還蠻開心的，期待著認識新朋友，期待著把過去遺忘，期待著迎接全新的生活，到學校后，都是和藹可親的英國在迎接我，感覺很好，同學們都還蠻友善的吧，只是不知道有時覺得有點沮喪，可能又開始想起他了吧。

9月20日
才開學的第二天，就不怎麽快樂了，可能發現了在這裡很難找到好友的事實吧，想說，雖然大學很好，講師不錯，課程也很有趣，但是爲什麽我會那麽不開心？我對不起我父母，畢竟他們花了不少在我身上，就只爲了讓我開心，但我還是那樣，媽問我時，我根本就答不出什麽原因。或許是寂寞與孤單與我變成了好朋友吧。很明顯我在這裡根本就混不下去，思想幼稚的他們，根本無法和他們溝通。想說，看見他們猶如看見了以前的自己，自以爲是，以爲進了醫科就很了不起，穩當醫生，還不知道這個世界是多麽地殘酷，人生嘛，沒經歷過就永遠不會知道它是怎樣。。

9月21日
第三天了，覺得好累好累，每天好像不夠睡似的，雖然每晚都很早睡了，但就是沒精神。可能是泰國寂寞吧，身邊一個朋友都沒有，結果就過於依賴唯一關心我的朋友，我也不曉得應不應不應該叫他朋友，畢竟我們的過去不怎麽愉快且現在的狀況根本不適合。只是站在朋友的立場，只想幫忙，但看來我好像又做錯事了，結果又害到了自己，覺得好痛，好希望他能在身邊安慰我，只是那是多莫遙不可及的夢，我也不敢再有任何夢想，不敢有什麽期望。畢竟怕得越高，跌得越重，對吧？

9月22日
從來沒想過，才開學的第一個星期，就帶著眼淚去上課，天空下著雨，好像企圖想把我的眼淚沖走。不曉得爲什麽自己會那麽不快樂，上課，見朋友應該是件很快樂的事，每天會很期待的事情，只是爲什麽我已沒有那種勁了。想說，或許我根本就無法找到什麽好友可以好好聊天，說真的，還是90年的人比較有善吧，我好像無法適應。現在的我好像還在夢裏，一點真實感都沒有，無法相信我又回到了馬來西亞，回到了醫學院，這人生就好像一場夢，每天上課，就知其帶回家，回家后又期待睡覺時間。以前的我可以一整晚讀書，不睡覺也行，現在呢？只想用睡覺來逃避現實，唉，爲什麽會這樣?

9月23日
終于星期五了，想說，上完課后回家睡一整天，結果既然沒電。結果花了整天想了好多，想想，醫學係是不是我想要的。。爲什麽。我得放棄那麽多來得到它？放棄了這麽多我還會開心嗎？不開心，人生有何意義？可是想到未來，我是真的很想儅醫生啊，儅上了醫生后，我還需要失去什麽？現在也開始懷疑，我是否會找到好的歸宿，看看現在的情形，很難吧？人生啊，就是那麽愛捉弄人。如果還有從來，我想我會留在墨爾本吧，至少我不需要放棄那麽多，最後或許還能得到我要的，雖然時間長了些，但至少我還是快樂的吧，但一切都太遲了。

9月24日
浪費了一整天看戯，這不是我應該過的生活，但我真的一點讀書的心思都沒有。。

一連串的感受。。

好久沒回到這裡，原因就只有一個，説好要放下但始終辦不到，心中還是有著一絲希望，以爲難得最後回到想去的地方，雖然只是短短的幾天，或許能找到想要的答案。答案其實很明顯了，只剩自己要不要接受吧。。

9月12日，
回到墨爾本，想說可以好好的休息，讓自己的精神在開學之前回到正常的狀態，可是感覺好像沒什麽辦到。想得到的答案始終沒得到，得到的卻是一大堆驚喜，男生到底是怎樣辦到的，能把心分給好幾個人。。有了女朋友就不要再和其他女生說你想她好嗎？即使是你前女友。因爲，我厭倦了這種三角戀，也不想把自己牽扯進去，所以請放過我吧。

9月13日，

在墨爾本市區逛了逛，發現自己對你的思念從沒減少過，和你一起經歷的，一起走過的路，我還記得一清二楚，覺得自己好像傻瓜，被人耍得團團轉，以前是這樣，現在也一樣。就只想幫自己身邊的人開心，從未為自己想過，我就是這樣的白痴吧。越來越討厭這個城市，想說，這次過後，不會再要回來希望有什麽奇跡出現吧。對這個城市也應該死心了，這應該就是你要的吧。

9月14 日，

開心的是能和好友相聚，聊聊未知的事，談談生活中的趣事，即使只是短短的幾小時，都能把我從不開心的心情中拉出來，朋友的愛始終還是最真的吧。。在冷冷的天氣裏，和好友吃著蛋糕，喝著熱熱香香的咖啡，還有什麽能比這還悠閒？多像貴婦啊。。哈哈！借用一下朋友說的話，“現在在我的字典裏，沒有情人給的愛，只有家人和好友給的愛。”雖説，它還是存在著的，只是還沒出現，還輪不到我擁有，但現在的我大概只想好好往我的目標前進，但如果哪天，有奇跡出現，我也不會排斥吧。。呵呵。。

9月15日，

一早起來和好友們共進早餐是多麽快樂的事，想說，一天的開始本來就應該這樣，接下來才會很快樂地過完一天，可是感覺我並不是這樣。。吃完豐富的早餐后，又囘到自己一個人時，又會開始胡思亂想。

在墨爾本最後一天了，你仍然沒找我，或許這真的就是我們的故事的大結局吧。抱著你的被，聞著那熟悉且帶著很多回憶的味道，心裏卻在淌著血，這種心情你究竟知道多少？我們就真的這樣無緣吧，短短的半年裏，從不認識到認識，從普通朋友到互相關心的知己，然後變成了喜歡彼此卻不能前進的關係，再回到了最熟悉的陌生人，人生就是如此地無常與難料。想念你是真心的，但你又在乎多少？我能從新開始嗎？還是會到這世界的另一面，過著非普通人過的生活？

9月16日，

終于真的要和墨爾本說再見了，試圖想留在墨爾本，但命運的玩弄，我非離開墨爾本不可。那裏的人讓墨爾本增添了不少色彩，有些人卻讓我不想再回到那裏，這是多麽地諷刺啊。

在機場等著被接的感覺真的很不好受，想說爲什麽只要是沒事做時你就出現?其實有很多事做時，你還是一樣出現在我的腦海裏。你就像病毒般，把我身上的每一塊肉一口一口地吃掉。強顏歡笑真的行得通嗎？很明顯不行啊，只能感受到自己的心好痛好痛。真的好想哭，但我真的好累好累。大概就只有你救得了我吧。

真的有時好想找個伴，難道就真的那麽難嗎？真的，一個人不管再怎麽堅強，始終都需要一個避風港，一個肩膀依靠。二十一了，人生也走了三分之一了吧？不求什麽長命百歲，只希望在這僅有的六十幾年裏過過我想過的生活，做我喜歡的事，可是都二十一了，還不知道自己要怎樣，如今就只希望能和自己喜歡的人在一起就已經很難了，其他的，還需要說什麽？很快，幾年后就到結婚的年齡了，以前常說once a convent girl, always a convent girl.這句話，最後會不會成真啊？開始有些擔心了。。

最後想說，你不用再避我避得那麽辛苦了，因爲，我不會再出現。辛苦你了。我還是一樣會很想念你，但，我會試著不讓你影響到我的生活。再見了。

*我的心就這樣被你鈎著，要怎樣才能解脫？*

is time..

is time to write something normal here..gona kill the emo me..=)

well, I realised that some memories are untouchable, once you touch it..you break..haha!n yes..I am stupid enough to flip out all my not so good memories and screw myself up..end up sleeping whole day today, what an unhealthy life..haha!!

so, talk bout my current life..most of my close friends would now I got accepted by Newcastle University Med School..I am happy at least I still get what I want eventhough is not in the country I want but Hey!I get to go UK in the end and getting UK uni cert!so yea..not that bad afterall..I am gona work so bloody hard to make my family proud..I am not the weak and useless 1!My failure in the past isnt gona break me down..I know I can do it!so that's bout my studies..

about my family..hmm..ever since we moved into a new house..everyone's tempered tend to calm down a bit especially my dad..as for my bro?still way toooo far for him to come back to normal..but I am trying my best not to make him angry..n my mum still cute as usual except she will be soo naggy bout certain things..haha!and sis..having her great life in Melb..I guess..assuming the lesser she contact me the greated the life she is having now..haha!

next..my relationship life..the suckest part of my life now..that's al I can say bout this part?haha!well..eventhough is the suckest among all but I know it didn't really play a very vital role in my current life..so yea..I will find a so much better 1..which I won't be waiting..but let him appear himself infront of me..hoho..

so yea!!trying to attract more positive force not rather than letting myself going deeper and deeper of depression..Jia you!!

lastly..I am gona wish all my best and close friends who are leaving to UK soon to pursue their dream..have fun in UK..I will miss you all no matter where you people are..and all these people include Celeste, Denise, Wai Suet and Yvonne..hugz and kisses!!

無言。。

一直很想知道你找我的理由，現在終于了解。。你就不過想要讓我知道后能夠光明正大地在我面前做些事，好讓你自己心安些。。但你從沒想過，這樣做只會對我造成傷害。。由始直終你都沒想過我的感受，以前是這樣，現在還是一樣，口口聲聲說自己變了，那只是你編造出來的另一個藉口吧。。你的道歉值多少？

有時候。。

有時候真的好想靜靜地一個人在房間裏呆一整天。。
有時候好想什麽都不想，睡一整天的覺。。
有時候好想讓自己相信親情比什麽都來得堅固。。
有時候好希望“重色輕友”這句話不會在我生活中用到。。
有時候真的好想想說什麽就什麽。。
有時候好希望自己可以自私點，無須顧慮到別人的感受。。
有時候好想到一個完全沒人認識我的地方從新開始。。

有好多有時候想到的事情都是我無法完成的。。

今天又被我姐放飛機了。。是有點失落但我又能如何？
不在乎一個人時，對他說過的話都會忘記。。
不在乎一個人時，對他許下的承諾都不曾發生過。。
遺忘一個人時，他的感受你又何必在意？

或許這就是我一直要走的人生吧。。
常常被自己在乎的人遺忘。。也是時候慢慢習慣了吧。。
畢竟不會有誰能永遠呆在我身邊。。
即使結了婚也一樣。。結了也能離。。
不離也會老去然後死去。。

我又開始不對勁了。。
每晚睡不着，七早八早醒來，結果開車時都超累的。。
我到底又怎麽了？腦裏又再想些什麽？
就他和她吧。。
想說，我真的生氣了。。不會在主動聯絡你。。
你有什麽事找我，我真的也不想理了。。
我也不想通過第三者找到你。。
只是。。你真的讓我太失望了。。

七夕情人節。。

今天七夕情人節，而我卻花了一整天在睡覺，想說如果身在墨爾本，一切都會不同吧。。雖説現在的生活比較好些，但始終還是放不下墨爾本的一切。。大家都說時間能沖淡一切，但爲什麽我就是不這樣？

你說得對，不會有人因沒誰就不能活下去，但你可有想過，思念與等待都是种折磨。。看著你過著那麽開心的生活，是該為你感到開心，但儅想到自己被你徹底遺忘的那種感覺是多麽的痛。。

“開始覺得跟不會再見到面的人熟捻浪費時間。”這句話是多麽的傷人，記得你也跟我說過，以後會不會見面時自己決定的，那這句話又帶有什麽意思？我也許就是那個你不會再見到面的人，所以你選擇遠離我，這樣才不會浪費時間吧。。

“我很認真很用心的嬌媚一個朋友，也很珍惜很重視每一段築起的友誼。希望我的朋友們也是這麽覺得。。”說真的，我倒想留言說我並不那麽認爲。。我們這段“友誼”算什麽？說仍然在乎我，關心我，嘴巴說誰不會？我也一樣能這樣說，然後轉過身完全不理你。。如果說友誼是以傷害得多深來衡量，我們的友誼真的比天還高。。

不管對你有多不滿，我還是想說，我想你了。。這就是我白痴的一面吧。。

寂寞的夜晚。。

七月二十五，一個又會讓我記得的日子。。該怎麽形容今天的心情？
這一天，他離開到離我更遠的地方。。
這一天，我發現了我哥的另一面。。
這一天，我到了不該到的地方結果發現了我對他還有眷戀。。
所有的事都發生在同一天。。

看到這句話覺得還蠻對的，
“不见面不等于不思念，不联络只是为了掩饰眷恋”
這是句多麽貼切的話啊。。

想說，我想念你了。。你聽見了嗎？

早上的心情。。

天真地以为在这世界上家里还有一个真正愿意了解我，明白我的人，但事实并非如此。和她聊了一整夜，明显的对她而言都是我的错。整晚的心情糟透了，早上起来真得很想做个如他们所说的女儿。看着自己的家人，从来没那么反感过。告诉你我的心情并不是要得到你的同情，也从来没想过自己是世界上最可怜的人，只是我不觉得我应该这样被对待。没达到你们的目标都是我的错，我为什么要为了你们而活，而你们根本就没把我的心情与看法放在眼里，完完全全把我当机械人操控着。是！我很感激你们给我这个机会到国外读书，但我做的不好了吗？我考差了吗？我没有！只是我的运气没那么好，那又是我的错了吗？大家都说不管怎样都是自己的家人，忍着点，家人是与你最亲的人，为什么我现在觉得我离你们好远好远？我的心真得好痛好痛，哭了整晚真得觉得好累，真的真的累了。也许这也算是件好事吧，如果真的哪天我不幸地走了，被车撞还是发生了什么意外，我也不会觉得遗憾与牵挂吧。哈哈，完完全全感受到了为什么得忧郁症的人会那么想跳楼，纯粹就只想感受下得到自由，飞翔的感觉吧。。昨晚就这么感受到了，想说如果从我房间跳下是不是会得到那种自由感？很傻吧？我真得很讨厌呆在这个家。。怎么办?

不想回家。。

越來越不喜歡呆在家裏，應該說，除了我媽，馬來西亞沒什麽好讓我留念的了。。
這個傢讓我快喘不過氣了，像是住在監獄就算了，現在連朋友來監獄探望的權利都沒有。。
爸一直問我幾時才要去上課，就那麽不希望我在家裏，那把我送走！干嘛留我！
說我沒盡到做女兒的責任，那去比較啊！有幾個女兒會早上起來到巴殺買菜！
早早起來準備早餐，晚餐還要煩惱煮什麽，有時不想煮累了還會被罵！
出去見朋友就說我每天霸佔著車，那好啊！我讓朋友來載啊！現在又說我每天叫我朋友來我傢。。是怎樣？！我哪有每天出門？我得罪了多少人你們懂嗎？好啊。。說我每天出門，那我不是告訴我朋友說家人不喜歡我一直出門，他們當然第一反應就是說那我們去你傢好了，那有錯嗎？
所以現在是我不能出門，朋友不能來，那送我去住監獄好了，至少住監獄，朋友還可以探獄！
幹！我真的快瘋了！把我帶走好嗎？！

想說。。

想說謝謝你們一直陪著我。。
想說雖然日子沒有過得很好但我發現了誰才是知己。。
想說我很慶幸認識了你們。。
想說謝謝你們在我被関在家裏時，你們願意大老遠地來找我。。
想說謝謝你們讓我有那麽一點點時間是快樂的。。
真的，沒有你們我現在的生活一定會很糟。。
你們是誰，你們自己了，無需我多說對吧。。

多些日子大家又要回去了。。我想我一定會很想念大家。。
很遺憾我無法再和有些你們見面，下一次應該是明年了吧。。
慶幸的是不管我們多久沒見，一樣可以隨心所欲地聊天。。
十幾年的友誼真的很難的，真的很希望時間與距離不會把我們之間的友誼沖淡。。

現在的我無出可去，不曉得未來的幾個月會在那裏。。
心里雖然清楚知道自己要些什麽了，只是有些結果由不得我不去等待。。
等待，這一生有哪一秒不在等待？
只是厭倦了等待的感覺，但我又能怎樣？
只希望從現在開始能有比較好的生活，我的要求並沒有很多。。
只不過想過正常的大學生活，過屬於我年齡的生活。。
不再被當成中學生般被約束著，這到底有多難？

我清楚知道這一切的改變，讓家人不再信任我。。
這所有一切的一切都是我咎由自取，我不想怨任何人。。
只是如果不犯錯又怎能成長？
客觀地想想，現在讓我狠狠地跌了一跤至少還能爬起來吧。。
進了社會大學后，想站起來就更難了吧。。
但我仍然希望你們還可以再給我一次機會讓我證明我是有能力做自己的決定。。
別再把我関的死死的，我就快憋不過氣了。。

我也希望你們可以不要把我對你們的好當成理所當然。。
有些事並不是我的責任，我會做純粹只想分擔些。。
這並不代表它會是我每天都要扛的責任。。
我也要有我自己的生活，所以儅我沒幫忙時請別給我臭臉和話中帶刺。。
這樣會讓我對你們感到很反感，請花些時間多了解你們所謂的家人。。

往往人總是會在遇難時才會發現平時發現不到的事。。
這次回到這裡發現其實我還蠻依賴我姐。。
我是多麽地需要她在我身邊聼我說，開導我。。
雖然平時的她會給我壓力，但這次真的，我感覺到了平時我都感覺不到的愛。。
雖然無法幫到我什麽，但有一個人能靜靜地聼我說，安慰我，是件多麽幸福的事。。
姐，謝謝你，我真的想念你了，而且是很想念。。

最後想謝謝derek介紹了這首歌給我。。真的很好聽，上癮了！＝）

縂要離開才發現

有一個人在習慣和愛中間

因爲每一天見面

才讓那想念自然而不明顯

到了離別才發現

有一個人在習慣和愛中間

以爲說出了再見（但轉身的想念）

連自己都無法騙

突然又有點想哭了，有時真的覺得自己很沒用，讓身邊的人那麽辛苦，我真是個累贅。。

happiest day after so long..

finally have a day to take a break..the happiest day I had after all the crap I had been through..Thanks girls..and Derek for letting me know all the nice songs..although problems not solve yet but at least I am able to take my mind off just for 1 day..we eat,we sing, we chit chat, we hang out, we laugh..it just feel so good to be with all of you..and sorry nise..for using up so much petrol!sorry Derek for not being able to bring you back and end up late..but HEY!I really had a super great time..that was really the time you guys can see me smile happily from the bottom of my heart..you people are just too awesome..I know..good time won't last..when I woke up early the morning..I am expecting the worst scenario..and yea..mum walked in to my room..passed me a newspaper and said..why don't you go India?I told her..if u insist me to go India..I rather stop study..and the great thing was..her replied was..k den..go look for a job..my heart was broken..they rather I give up my dream then letting me to do what I want..why are they so manipulative..1 wave had calm down..here comes another..my dad.."why are you at home all the time?go find out what is really happening!"the fact is I did..and I told them..but they are the one who couldn't face the reality..everytime when they told me decision lies on me..they will oppose all my decision..I am serious..if they continue do that to me..I will give up my studies..and that's it..that's my life..you want to manipulate my life..dream on!I had had enough..please just give me a break..4 years!been listening to you all..see what I got now!can't you people just wake up!unexpectedly,my sis is the only 1 who is being supportive now but she isn't with me now..sis..I miss you so badly..

Anyway, I really had a great time yesterday..with all my beloved girls who are always so caring..my dear Denise who will whatsapp me to check me out almost every morning..my airen who always encourage me..thanks so much..eventhough I would wish you too will be with me..but no..don worry..I wont expect anything from you..all I know now is..after all the happiness I had, I am feeling really super hurt now..I am like sitting on the roller coaster..came all the way down from the top..I am lost and I really donno what to do..



a song being recommended by Derek..=)

Freedom and Life..

Having nothing better to do, so decided to write something about my feelings..A life I had been through all these while..A life that turns me into a different person..

A bird with her wings

Clipped everyday

So she couldn't fly away

Freedom, o freedom

Freedom so sweet

out of my reach

Love measured by how much

shit I took

Her loyalty is silent performance

As she watches her wings clipped everyday

So she couldn't fly away

Freedom so sweet

She chirped and whistled

Under ther sun

While she cried into the

Dark, dark nights

She soon stopped singing as

Life drained out of her

Slowly but surely

She cried but no one heard

Her mask hides

A damaged smile

A brave face that

Nobody guessed

A beautiful bird who can never fly

He who clipped her wings

In the name of love

Blind himself in fear

His words pierced

Bit deep into her heart

Tore her spirit apart

Yet she braved day after day

Voiceless and numbed

With guilt and shame

Caught in a hell hole

She could not escape

Cycle of misunderstanding

It who controls her

Clipped her wings everyday

So she can never fly away

Torn by a love

So cruel and brutal

With her soft young feathers

She knew no better

A voiceless soul

Trapped in the body 

Of a beautiful bird

Who could not fly

She dreams of flying

She dreams of freedom

A little bird who could not fly

Until the time is right..

------------------------------------

How ironic can the  life be

A young little blissful girl

Having all the love

From her beloved family and friends

Yet having the need

To go through the toughest path

Of her life

In order to reach her goal..

A young little happy girl

Who used to be so cheerful

And lively

Is now being tortured 

By the cruel reality and uncertainties

The girl had changed

To someone who she can't even recognise herself..

A young little naive girl

Who used to believe Love so much

Had put in her heart and soul

To persue the pure love

To prove true love does exist

Had now broken down 

By the heartless reality and man

See how life had turned people into..

To a stronger man

Or

Pushing them to the edge of the world?

有些不愉快。。

昨晚發生了一些些好不愉快的事。。被人侵犯隱私的感覺糟透了。。好想把這裡鎖起來。。只是心理一直期望著會有哪一天他會到這裡看看，發現我的真實感受。。

昨晚整晚都在發夢，夢到他了。。夢到他寫了一些東西給我。。信裏好像寫得很甜，也好像寫著對我有多麽的不捨。。想問，這又何苦呢？唉。。想說最終我還是想你了。。

現在我的人生還是個未知數，哪知道有天我又會回到我喜歡的地方，再續情緣。。哈哈哈！

真的很想知道。。

爲什麽每天醒來，我的心情都會那麽差。。是因爲他還是我現在生活？覺得自己又要快被撕裂了。。每天過著不想過的生活。。然後滿腦子都是他。。根本就是人間地獄。。我到底怎麽了。。最近一直有著一些問題。。真的很想找出答案。。可是我卻做不到。。好辛苦。。每天都好想哭。。='(

Thank you..

All I would like to say now is thank you..Thank you so much for coming back to me again..it might mean nothing to you but it obviously mean so much to me..just a simple notes that you had put in so much effort I supposed..lighten up my days..thanks for replying me..and thanks for telling me you still do care about me..Thanks..

and now..I am scared and worried about the new life I am heading too..I wonder why I was forced to stay in a place I don't like when I can come back home..I wonder why I can't do my own decision..is it because I am not capable enough?is it because I am good enough or perhaps I am really confused..I care too much about how my family will react after every single actions I had made..I care about their feelings too much..when can I stop all these?feel like running away..but come on..I am only 1 more step away from my goal..how can I give up like that?but I just couldn't resist my tears from falling..I am struggling and I am really scared deep in my heart..I can't even take a normal breath..or even close my eyes..is this really the new beginning of my life or this will be the beginning of the nightmare of my life?but no matter what..I know gona be strong enough to endure all these..gona continue believing that I can do it..what is really wrong with my life?

anyway..I feel really thankful towards you..to come back to encourage me..to show me the facts about how you usually treated your friends..that's really enough..but I sincerely hope that you will have a better life and glad you had finally found your way..really hope that we will meet again someday in the future..

untitled..

終於真的要開始新的旅了。。心情雖然沒之前那麼糟可是心里還是好不舒服。。答應媽了不會再哭泣所以會壓抑着自己吧。。想說心里還是會想念與擔心著他吧。。將來的日子真的完全看不見。。

在飛機上睡了幾乎五小時。。真的很想哭。。心情並沒有比較好些。。聽著有著那麼多回憶的歌讓我更心痛。。我到底是怎麼了。。我真的不可以在這樣了。。真的。。繼續這樣會傷了多少人啊。。顏嘉儀。。是時候長大，變得更堅強了。。

一個人在機場等著感覺真的很差。。我到底又怎樣了。。我真的好想念他。。為甚麼我的心還是會那麼痛。。我真的很想知道我到底做錯了甚麼。。會有今天這樣的下場。。之前的美景就這樣消失了。。我到底得罪了誰？


I am still having this bloody mixed feelings..I don't know what I want..Soon, I am heading to a brand new life which I don't know whether I am happy with it or not. One thing that I clearly know what I want is..I want him as my friend..a normal true friend since he used to be my soul mate, but why is he being so insist to avoid me? What is he thinking? Is he still into me?If not why is he not brave enough to face me? haih..I seriously miss talking to him..sometimes I don't even need to open my mouth and he knew what I want to say.No fate..what to do?


Anyway..I am now in my new house...having my own space to do whatever I want..but the cctv in my house outside my room is making me so uneasy..My parents will come and ask me why are u up so early..ROAR!and while I was cooking..my mum was actually watching me in her room..isn't it suppose to stalk the maid and not me?!grr..well..I am totally in love with my room and of course the super kitchen as well..AWESOME!cooking in such a big kitchen make me feel so happy..well..I am still waiting for my swimming pool to be ready..stop swimming for few days makes me feel uneasy too..hah!well..really hope I can finally stand up again and welcome my brand new life with a smile on my face..really..I am really sick of this kind of life..thinking about the same people everyday and can't contact em is driving me crazy..


cheers~

another hard day for me..

22nd June 2011..another unforgettable date..is gone..everything cones to a stop for real now..I don't know why am I feeling this way..I am upset that everything has come to the end..when will be our next meet?will this be a full stop for our friendship?I wonder..I wish I could be who I am and tell you how I feel..But I clearly know that I can't..

Staying alone in the room now listening to a song which is really breaking my heart is not gona bring me up again..but all I want now is to cry my lung out..and get my mind off all these stuff..why am I feeling so hurt?

my current feelings..

what am I doing now?acc-ing my friend (A) for his final paper..but all I am thinking now is him (B)..I don't know whats wrong with me..was talking to one of my friends (C) and get to know more about B..for the sake of myself..I clearly know that I have to let go..and there is no future..being with B is not gona bring me any good..but as a friend..I am still feeling hurt and sad that something bad will happen to B..thinking if I am able to help B but apparently C did put in a lot of effort helping him edi..so many years..C knows B more than I do..C understand what is B thinking..C advised me not to waste anymore time..B is cureless..the moment C said that to me..my heart was broken..I don't know why am I feeling that way..is it because how is it possible for me to fall for such person?or I am just purely upset about how people think about B as a friend?I started to get confused..I wish I am there for B now..acc-ing B to study for his last paper..but well..of course A will need more support now..at least A know his own way and what he should do..he knows that if he screwed up this exam..his future will be gone..but B don't even care..all he wants is a cert..I wish I could change his thinking..I wish I can help him for not being so miserable before exam anymore..but obviously there is no way I can change him..considering the friends he is joining now except A and C..none of them will actually motivate him..I wonder how his future will be..looking him screwing his own life like that..that's really not the way..what else can I say?really wish I could help him..haih..

笨蛋。。

在fb看到了这篇。。感觉很贴切。。但是有多少人愿意把这些心声说给想说给的人听？有时不是不愿意，而是无法和不能说出来。。时机不对吧。。只能默默地忍受，痛苦地把一切吞回去，见到时也得假装没事，假装不在乎。。但心里其实急得要死。。看见自己心里的他不开心，吃不下饭，压力时。。脑里想的就是好好照顾他，帮他解压，但其实什么事都不能做。。只能站在一旁装着完全不在乎。。感觉真的好痛苦。。心里就是有好多话想说，但当一切都打好之后，按的键不是“send” 而是 “draft”。。悲哀吧。。

笨蛋，你知不知道，我很想你，每天都想，想到发疯！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我为什么很少给你打电话，因为我希望铃声响的时候看到的是你的号码！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我每次登FB的时候最希望的是什么？我希望第一个叫我的人是…你！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，当我每次去空间时，多想看到你的留言！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，当我在空间里没看到你来过的痕迹，我有多失望！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，每当我有疑问时，多想听到你亲口解释，而不是你无谓的逃避！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我只管自己喜欢的叫做…笨蛋！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我心情不好时最需要的是你的安慰，哪怕只是一个问候！

笨蛋，你知不知道，天冷时，我需要的不是你的外套，而是、你温暖的怀抱！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我会喜欢你喜欢的一切，只为了能和你多些话题聊！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，没你的消息时，我会很担心！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，当我知道你失眠了，我有多心疼！

笨蛋，你知不知道，你心情不好时，我不会说太多安慰的话，但我会陪你一起欢喜、一起忧！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我想哭、想靠时，想到的第一个人是你！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我的脑子里装的全是你！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道，我的喜怒哀乐全部由你来决定！

笨蛋 ，你知不知道……知不知道？

笨蛋“世界上没有谁欠谁!只有谁对不起谁!痴心为你~~~~~~傻傻等你~~~~~地球仍然转着,世间依然善变！而我永 远爱你！”还记得么？笨蛋:你知道吗?我真的真的真的很爱你,笨蛋,你是我身体的一部,我已经离不开你呢啊!

無知。。

終于又發現了一點，發現自己有多麽地無知。。我並沒有在任何人的心裏留下重要的位子。。最近才知道，對我的一切承諾是沒必要去履行的，因爲我並不重要。。真的覺得好傷。。算又認清了一件事吧。。真得好累。。“答應過人的事就要做到”這句話竟然從你嘴裏說出。。那你對我做的一切算什麽？完完全全被耍得團團轉。。爲什麽世上有我那麽白痴的人？！

詐欺遊戲。。

哥介紹我說這部電影很好看。。我看后，感覺我的世界是黑的。。人心怎麽那麽險惡？好恐怖。。反正，之前一直欺騙著自己沒有被背叛，但現在好像越來越明顯了，也是時候面對現實了。。看完這部電影后真的想了很多，我是不是應該繼續對人好，我是不是應該學會怎麽保護自己？不要再傻傻地相信人間還有真心和天長地久。。説好要做回自己，不要再戴著面具假裝很快樂然後晚上才一個人痛苦地一個人哭泣，可是爲什麽看到身邊的人因爲我不快樂而也不快樂時就很不忍心地又把面具戴上。。覺得我這樣的生活真的好辛苦。。明明就很不開心，爲什麽還要配合人？

那麽多天了，心怎麽還是那麽地痛？不是放下了嗎？我到底怎麽了？多不久就要回去了，真的不想再帶著這樣的心情回去，答應過媽，這次回去會好好的，健健康康，怎麽感覺我還是做不到？現在病得快死了，就快得肺癆了，好想把喉嚨和肺拿掉。。好辛苦。。要怎樣才能讓我的心不再痛？要怎樣才能把讓我那麽不快樂的事忘掉？已經嘗試所有方法了，就是辦不到。。想說，好希望世上有種葯能讓我的心臟麻痹但又不會死掉。。那該有多好。。姐又說了不知道傷害到我的話。。唉，希望有種葯能吃了，別人再怎麽傷害我卻影響不了我的葯。。那該有多好。。在也忍不下了。。真的不知道自己下一步會怎麽做。。真的覺得好累了。。就為了守我給過的承諾，有心事不能找人訴苦。。結果自己卻背叛了。。我卻還那麽堅持。。我的心到底還能承受多少？大家以爲我不說就把我儅白痴。。以爲我什麽都不知道嗎？只是不想攤牌也不想最後連朋友都沒得做。。都忍了也認了。。

最熟悉的陌生人。。終于明白了這種感覺。。真的好難受。。

莫名的痛。。

決定好放下。。但心裏縂會覺得痛痛的。。痛的不是因爲被傷害得有多深。。被傷害的痛已麻木了。。再也感覺不了。。痛得是因爲感覺全世界都背叛了我。。就連我身邊最親近的人。。真的好傷心。。看著照片，心裏更是流著血。。這是什麽世界？what a jerk?

不管怎樣，君，生日快樂。。要永遠開心哦。。可別像我一樣。。想你。。

傻瓜。。

如果說世界上有史上最傻的人的比賽，我想我去參加，冠軍一定非我莫屬吧。。

怎麽世界上會有我這麽傻的女人？事實都擺在眼前了爲什麽還是不能坦然面對？你到底還要傷害你自己多深？想說，天氣再冷也不比我現在的心還冷。。一個人回到最不想去又有最多回憶的地方時，心是多麽的痛。。好想大哭一場但發現淚腺好像真的乾涸了。。那種感覺我再也無法形容。。就是想哭但又哭不出來。。心真的如刀割。。把我儅什麽了？玩具嗎？還是消遣品？

今晚。。就讓一切到此爲止。。我不會再是以前開朗，看似樂觀的我。。這些僞裝也都該停止。。媽媽說我變了。。變得好冷。。對。。那就是我。。冷酷的我。。我不會再對任何人好。。也不會再獻出我的真心。。反正都沒心了。。有些人真的不值得我去留戀。。尤其是傷害和背叛過我的人。。一次又一次地傷害我真的有那麽好玩嗎？我也該試試傷人的滋味吧。。

今晚，真的很難熬。。心真的好痛。。6月11號。。我是不會忘記我是怎麽度過這一晚。。酒精與安眠藥對我已無效。。再也沒有東西能麻醉我的心情。。這次真的做錯了決定。。但如果不是因爲這樣。。我的心應該不會死吧。。

我看清了。。最後只想說。。請把我儅透明。。不要一直問我我去了哪裏。。因爲我只想一個人靜靜地到天亮。。我知道那是關心但媽，姐。。我長大了。。只想要有自己的空間。。也該讓我自己反省怎麽自己會那麽傻吧？

可是真的好痛好痛。。

kinda feel being betrayed by someone..thinking too much?cont activate or deactivate?haih..hate this kind of feeeeelings!

生日快樂。。

現在最不想它到的日子終于到了。。祝你生日快樂。。很遺憾沒能幫你慶生也很懊惱不知該不該祝福你。。反正我就是沒忘。。希望你有個難忘的二十一嵗生日。。現在大家應該都在幫你慶祝了吧。。如果我還在。。我應該會跑到你傢給你驚喜吧。。真的好傻。。好啦。。人的一生縂會有很多遺憾。。只想說我真的很想念你。。生日快樂。。=)

騙子。。

是我太敏感嗎？怎麽感覺這個傢容不下我。。沒人在乎我。。在這裡的日子每一秒都是不開心的。。天天靠著葯逼自己入眠，讓自己不要起來，這種生活要到什麽時候？說只要我開心就好。。想回去就回吧。。結果儅我決定要回去時，卻被狠狠地罵了一頓。。說我浪費錢。。當初又是誰說開心就好？説好要幫我，還說出錢讓我回去，結果給我的答案卻是你忍著點吧。。騙子！大家都是騙子！連家人都不能信了。。我還能相信誰？恨死這裡所有的一切。。對這個世界不會再有眷戀。。

討厭他們叫我的名。。討厭電話響時出現的名字是他們。。討厭他們這樣對我。。討厭他們那麽自私。。討厭他們完全不理我的感受。。這一切的一切是誰造成的？是他們！！他們！！如果當初我選我要走的路我現在就不會那麽痛苦。。恨死你們！！

如果。。

如果說當初我努力點，我走的路會不會像現在這樣坎坷？
如果說當初我沒有接受他，我現在會不會這樣脆弱？
如果說當初我密友接受他，我的人生會不會比較燦爛？
如果說當初我選擇到印度，我現在會不會比較快樂？
如果說當初我沒搬到奕凱家，我現在會不會那樣放不下？
如果說當初我沒搬到奕凱家，我現在會不會有那麽多美好的回憶？
如果說當初我沒搬到奕凱家，我會不會認識他？
如果說當初我沒搬到奕凱家，我現在會不會得憂鬱症？
如果說再給我做多一次選擇，我會不會走一樣的路？
如果說當初我不那麽堅持想讀醫科，我家人對我的期望會不會那麽高？
如果說當初我不那麽堅持想讀醫科，我家人會不會比較快樂？

我的人生。。這一路走來到底是爲了什麽？追求夢想還是努力達到大家對我的期望？
我真的覺得好累。。好像放棄。。可以嗎？

今天的我好像失了魂一樣。。心情低落到谷底。。含著淚在高速公路上狂奔。。差點就真的離開了。。有時想想。。如果真的走了。。是在逃避還是是一種解脫？

根本無法打起精神來。。試著讓自己快樂。。讓自己忙得沒時間思考。。可是不爭氣的眼淚一直狂流。。連自己的身體都不再聽從我的使喚。。我還能怎樣？晚上只想好好地睡一覺可是爲什麽就是那麽難？我真的不想再吃葯。。我不要。。

習慣。。

太多太多的習慣讓我在這裡適應不來。。大家都會說。。那才是你的家爲什麽讓你更痛苦？我的答案是。。有了比較就知道哪裏比較好。。短短的兩三個月。。我學了好多。。我過了我一直想過的生活。。至少過的是我要的生活。。能見到我想見的人。。感受到了儅妹妹的感覺。。感受到了完全被保護的感覺。。但美好的時光都不會長久。。我不知道我在不捨什麽。。我在執著什麽。。只知道。。我真的真的很想念那裏的一切。。我想念那裏開心的生活。。有人逗我開心。。讓著我。。不會把我儅傭人使喚。。有人疼。。有人關心。。有人愛。。哥哥姐姐。。我好想念你們。。還有你。。你把我的世界顛倒后卻就這樣一走了之。。你能感受到我的内心有多痛嗎？現在的生活。。傷心時沒地方去。。想找人聊天時。。不知該找誰。。我真的覺得好累。。我可以選擇放棄嗎？到一個沒人認識我的地方。。或則是有人可以帶我走嗎？我真的不知道自己還能撐多久。。我好想念dockland..讓我療傷的地方。。和他的回憶。。我們開始的地方也是我們結束的地方。。這一個月來流的眼淚應該有好幾公升吧。。我只想說我真的不可以再一個人默默承受這一切。。想念一個人又不能和他說是一件多麽痛的事。。猶如拿著一把刀往自己的心裏插。。好痛。。看著他在綫上又不能找他。。我已經沒有什麽形容詞能形容我現在的感受了。。只希望你能了解我多一些。。不要再這樣折磨我。。

不確定。。

太多的不確定已讓我慢慢對我的人生徹底失去了信心。。我真得好累了。。不想再這樣下去。。真的好想哭。。爲什麽要這樣對我。。我究竟犯了什麽滔天大罪。。要這樣折磨我。。真的好想放棄。。有時執著于自己的夢想。。未必會得到。。還是實際點好。。真的好想走了一了百了。。這種生活對我而言已不再有任何意義。。家人也不再什麽在乎我的感受。。感覺這個世界根本就沒有我的容身之出。。我根本就是多餘的。。就像在這個傢一樣。。如果沒有我。。父母就不用那麽辛苦。。哥哥姐姐都畢業了。。他們本來就可以享清福了。。是我。。讓他們那麽痛苦。。儅什麽醫生。。根本就沒那個資格。。我一開始來到這世界上根本就是一個錯誤。。我真的再也受不了了。。帶我走好嗎？

第二天

第二天了。。我的心情還是一樣的糟。。對墨爾本的一切還是無法放下。。努力讓自己變得更忙碌了。。可是。。這次真的沒用。。我真的覺得好累。。感覺真的快崩潰了。。爲什麽我會這樣。。真的真的好希望現在就世界末日。。至少不會那麽痛苦。。我知道。。這樣是在逃避。。可是我真的快受不了了。。我好辛苦。。時間過得好慢。。好希望有個時光機。。讓我去到未來。。我真的快瘋了。。哥哥姐姐。。我真的好想念你們。。:'(

第一個早晨。。

回到自己的家反而覺得很不習慣。。早上起來。。心還滿痛的。。真的好不舒服。。沒有手機網絡的日子。。真的好難過。。感覺好像和世界脫離一樣。。好像找我墨爾本的朋友。。可是我不能。。在家的日子。。好約束。。什麽都不能做。。睡覺起床時間都會被管。。太遲睡會被罵。。太早起會被講。。我就是這樣啊。。睡不多。。天天失眠我又能怎樣？除非靠藥物啊。。現在這種心情怎麽可能睡得著？心裏都是想念。。感覺好累。。想到要去到全新的大學。。真的好害怕。。好像哭。。當然我知道。。哭也是於事無補。。但我現在真的很不快樂。。雖説是新的開始。。但儅你經歷了很多很多很多的新的開始時。。就不再新了。。剩下的。。只有疲憊的身軀。。沒勁的靈魂。。我到底能不能做到？

你知道嗎？我真的真的很想念你。。心情一塌糊塗。。

這時就會想起哥。。到我房間閙我。。逗我開心。。現在在這裡。。沒人會這樣做了。。家裏的氣氛感覺好糟。。一早起來。。各自做各自的。。好陌生。。不想在墨爾本一樣吵吵鬧鬧的。。不開心都會變得開心。。好擔心再這樣下去。。憂鬱症又要病發了。。我真的應該放下了。。做回爸媽心裏的乖小孩。。唉。。

飛機上的日記。。

3.30..開了no string attach 來看。。真的還蠻好看的。。終于有得看了。。在家都下載不到。。故事還蠻不錯看。。只是不知道爲什麽在看時一直會想到介紹我這部戯的人。。可能因爲是他一直告訴我很好看吧。。if only if 世界上有像adam這樣的男生就好了。。感覺這根本就不可能會發生在現實生活中。。哈哈。。在飛機上的八小時真的拿難熬死了。。真的很想念你們。。唉。。

5.30..我真得受不了了。。我的心真的好痛我真的很想念不該想念的人。。還以爲已經放下了。。可是爲什麽到一個人的時候又開始了。。都知道沒有結果爲什麽我還要那麽執著？誰可以救救我？真希望史上有種葯能吃了能忘掉我不開心的事。。在飛機上。。真的快爆炸了。。什麽都不能做。。想哭但旁邊又有人。。我真的好辛苦。。爲什麽我要經歷這麽多。。我到底前世做錯了什麽。。要這樣折磨我。。我真的不想過這樣的生活。。匯價應該是件很快樂的事可是爲什麽我會那麽難過？我現在是朝自己的目標前進應該要開心的。。我到底怎麽了？這根本不是我。。不是我！！我的頭好痛。。眼睛好痛。。有時真的覺得活得那麽痛苦。。一點意義都沒有。。或許儅一個人越來越大時心靈就越空虛吧。。真的好希望能有一個人在我身邊陪著我。。一起讀書。。一起度過生活中所有的考驗但又何嘗容易？不知道自己還可以撐多久。。回家后更不能想哭就哭。。想一個人就一個人。。媽應該會很擔心。。可是我真的不能再裝得很開心了。。我真得好累好累。。

6.00..小睡了一下下。。沒什麽休息到。。可能因爲坐在旁邊的關係吧。。結果幫了旁邊的老公公調了視頻。。跟一個語言不通的人講話還真辛苦耶。。但幸好我應付得了。。

9.15..吃點心時間到。。好好吃。。只是儅ipad裏的歌播到endless rain時。。我的心震了一下。。突然又痛了。。真的不知道自己怎麽了。。腦力突然出現了很多事情。。比如説我忘了囘好多簡訊。。然後又想到我一直想念的他真的不喜歡我一直在和他在一起時一直按電話。。這個坏習慣真的應該要改掉。。可是對我來説。。那時逃避眼神交流的動作。。我不想這樣。。可是有時我真的不知道該怎麽面對。。對不起了。。現在的我只想快點下機。。好辛苦。。

9.48..Ipad播著forever love by X Japan 心情頓時又跌入了谷底。。心情真的好糟。。真的很想哭一哭。。我的心真得好痛。。所有回憶和畫面一直浮現在我的腦海裏。。我真的覺得好累。。這樣的生活到底何時才會停止？以前堅強的我到哪裏去了？還是這二十一年來。。我都是裝出來的。。或許吧。。所以現在才會那麽累。。那麽不堪一擊。。

10.55..終于要抵達了。。心情越來越奇怪。。不知怎麽的。。一點開心的感覺都沒有。。心好像留在墨爾本似的。。快瘋了。。

11.30..出境了。。只看見我乾媽。。心裏有點怪怪的。。傷心我媽沒來。。説好哥來接我也沒有。。發現墨爾本號碼還能用。。超興奮的。。只不過沒多久電話就死了。。此刻的我。。不知道究竟在想些什麽。。只知道我真的很想念墨爾本所有的朋友。。尤其是他。。=(

my last 9 hours..

been telling myself not to cry..but obviously I just couldn't control..I seriously will miss everything here so much..especially all my best friends here..all the awesome people here..and I am feeling so bad to ditch my sis alone here..we used to be together all the time..now I gona be all alone now..will I be able to go through this again?3 years!my life is like so hardcore..why can't I just settle down?why do I need to go through all this again and again and again..yea..is true that in order to reach my goal..I have to overcome all the obstacles..but I seriously hate separation..my heart just can't take it..but well..I am gona be so much stronger and more experience..I hope that I am feeling numb now..so I won't actually feel anything..ARRGH!

people!I miss you all already..='(

是時候了。。

最不想發生的事情終于發生了。。是時候打包行李走人了。。心裏矛盾著。。不想離開這裡所有的人與物。。不想抛下這裡所有的回憶。。不想離開他。。不想捨棄這裡所有的一切。。這裡的生活。。但選擇離開是爲了追求夢想。。追求更美好的未來。。應該把心定下來。。把焦點放在未來而不是現在。。問題就出在。。根本就沒那麽簡單。。所有的知心好友幾乎都在這裡。。回去后。。又要從新來過。。遇到的朋友又不知會是什麽樣。。要從新經營一段好的友誼並沒那麽容易。。是。。我是一個很獨立的女生。。一個喜歡自己関在房裏，喜歡寧靜的女生。。但。。人始終也有脆弱的時候不是嗎？我也有需要人陪的時候。。我再也承受不了故作瀟灑但内心痛得要死的角色。。唉。。我到底有沒有做錯了選擇？反正也沒回頭路了。。應該往前看吧。。我行的！加油吧。。

我真的很慶幸當年年少無知的我。。竟然選對了來墨爾本讀書。。仗著自己很獨立很瀟灑。。一個人來到了異國。。也因爲這樣。。我遇到了這群超好的朋友。。你知道你們是誰。。有好多話想對你們說。。但就是說不出口。。心裏有多少的不捨。。你們應該會了解。。我只希望我們之間的友情不會在我離開或大家畢業后變得疏遠。。你們大家都在我生命裏扮演了很重要的角色。。如果沒有你們。。我想當時我會選擇放棄吧。。沒人依靠的日子真的很痛苦。。

anyway..all I wanted to say is to all my besties in Melbourne..my qing ai de jun..Celeste..Tiff..Daryl..Elvin..Chris..Joseph..Jalene..Ivy..Vinson and Chin Wei..Thanks so much!You guys are really awesome..and hopefully we will be able to gather again someday in some part of Malaysia..love you guys so much..

Jun..you know you are the one that I can't leave the most..you are like my soul mate..knowing all my stuff..understand me the most..always there for me..being so observant, always know something had happened to me..being so caring and I really appreciate it..we will be like when I was in KL..keep each update through blog and email..chat on MSN if got time..and I believe our friendship will grow even stronger..please do take care!

Celeste..you know I was so upset about you leaving soon after Tiff's birthday..never expect that I am gona leave before you..arrgh..well..I hope you will have a wonderful graduation..take good care of yourself in London..if possible..if my financial allow..I will fly over and find you before you graduate there..Celeste Celeste Celeste..did I ever tell you I always like your name?haha!yea..I like calling you..hmm..well..anyway..all the best to you!and I will miss you so much as well..=(..keep me update about the life there as well..=)

to all the gradates who are graduating this year..congratulations!you guys did an awesome job!and all the best for your future!we shall meet again 1 day!

and also wont forget all my convent besties here..Jas..LS..xuan..my airen Ann..my mummy Ling and Asther..friends since secondary is the friendship I will always cherish..8 years of friendship..you girls are really awesome too..always tried so hard to cheer me up..spend so much time with me just to make sure I don't keep thinking negatively..thanks so much!

my sis and housemate..Thanks sis for taking care of me all the while..guess..you will be super not used to it ba..but thats life..no one gona manja with you anymore..no one gona call you EONNI!!anymore..I love you jie!Ikai..you are like the best housemate I ever met..looking after of everything..making sure we are always safe and sound..wasting time to send us to everywhere we want to go..Thanks so much..and also thank you so much for taking care of my sis..=)

lastly..people I met during uni life..Carmen!my one and only one best friend in my batch..thanks so much too for accompany me through out my uni life here..I am so sorry to ditch you here and I really don't mean it..I will miss you so much..the time we hang out in city..all the long convo we had..advice seeking and etc..you coloured my uni life..really..thanks so much!

NY..you..haha..being with you is like sitting roller coaster..my emotion is like totally controlled by you..but I am really happy to be with you..you are really a nice guy..thanks for all the advice and thanks for teaching me so much..think so much for me..and trying to give me the best..I know all you motive of doing all these..but yea..I truely understand..sorry for messing up ur life and I hope that you will have a great life ahead..time with you and Ikai during Easter was really awesome..that will be the memory I will never forget..=)

V..my best oppa in the world..thanks for leading me everytime I am in trouble..even when you are not around with me..giving me so much advices and you make me understand a lot about life..I miss calling you oppa!!!!I will definitely fly to Taiwan 1 day to meet alllll of you!!PROMISE!!

okay..done with all the "speech"

been trying to solve my mix feeling after I submitted my discontinuation form..arrgh..feeling so miserable..so many things troubling me..really really hope I am strong enough to settle myself down psychologically..捨得捨得。。大家都說有捨才有得。。所以我應該學會放下。。迎接更美好的未來吧。。

大家加油！！

Once Again..

Once again I had broken down..no reason..couldnt think of a reason why..I am so sick of this place..I just want to leave here..thought I could rely on someone but I just found out that there is no one I can actually rely on..always thought he/she could be the one for me to open my heart to tell him/her everything..but the fact is no..no one..he/she is not the one..I am feeling so hurt..I donno what to do..no idea at all..I am scared..really scared..I don’t to go on like this..what is wrong with me..I am feeling so sick..feel like leaving for good..a place that is not belong to me..I hate this..hating it so badly..medication is not gona help anymore..I hope that’s the end of the world for me..just for me..is that even possible???

現實與夢。。

不知道自己怎麽了。。最近都睡不好。。那就算了。。終于睡着時。。盡然都在做夢。。夢裏發生的事情仿佛就像在現實生活中發生的一樣。。那麽真實。。讓我已經混淆現實與夢了。。這種感覺真的很奇怪。。不知道到底發生的事是現實還是夢。。儅以爲是現實時。。發生過的痕跡卻不在。。是我的病慢慢惡化了嗎？早上起來時。。一直看見有影子之類的東西飃過。。晚上睡覺時。。某种東西一直搖晃著我的床或壓著我的床。。把我弄醒。。起來時卻什麽都沒有。。感覺自己越來越容易被驚嚇。。我到底是怎麽了。。真的好怕。。我的心又不聼使喚地一直在加速跳著。。整個人就快窒息了。。好煩。。:'(

depression..

I never know I will get into this stage in my life..depression?haha!is that a joke?well..it is not..pretty scary though..anyway..was about to leave to uni yesterday morning..but when I woke up I suddenly broke down just because there wasn't any internet connection for me to download my notes..I gona say I really freak my sis out..and doctor came into my mind..was thinking of going Monash Medical Center to check out what is really wrong with me..but once my sis and house mates left the house..I was all alone..and I couldn't take it..I have no choice but to whatsapp anyone who I think will be free to accompany me..I need to see a doctor as soon as possible..and yea..I end up looking a doctor in the city..and Su Ann act rush back from Uni just to accompany me..I was so touched and felt so bad..the doctor immediately know what's wrong with me when he saw me..his 1st question.."is there something bad happening now in your life?" 2nd question.."why are you so stress?"..well..I gona say he is a very good counselor..well..I got diagnosed with initial stage of depression..things will get super wrong if I continue like that..and apparently I am having a risk of getting myocardiac infarction in the future considering I am having tachycardia now and then..did a blood test and medication was prescribed..I never expect I will actually get this kind of disease..anyway..I am trying to be super relax now..doctor gave me a Medical Certificate for a week and I shall make use of it..

Well..I am really scared..I should really learn how to let things go..was talking to 1 of my ex housemate yesterday..he taught me a lot and his thinking is so matured that he somehow woke me up..thanks so much..I really appreciate it a lot..and thanks to all my friends who are soo caring and keep motivating me..called me up and check on me when they heard about my situation..I am sorry to make you all worried but I promise I will be super fine soon..

cheers~

nowhere...

my mood is terribly bad now and I just couldn't find out what trigger that..I am currently nowhere in my life..thinking of my life..I never know when will it end..been thinking about this now and then..been thinking what if I just die tomorrow..will I have any regrets..and the answer is Yes!there are so much things I haven't experience..because of my family I got restricted from doing certain things that I feel like giving it a try..is it too late for me to be rebellious?I just want to be myself..my real self rather than suppressing all my thought and my feelings...I want to get what I want..perhaps I am really feeling so stress right now that I feel like breaking all my principles..I was just thinking..I should really experience whatever I want when I am still young..but I couldn't..life is so fragile..it breaks easily..and I might just gone like that..who knows I might get bang by train the next day..or I might just slipped and fall into the sea and my leg is numb and couldn't swim and just drown like that..I just want to be happy right now and why is it so hard?I am trying hard to achieve my goal but I realize I am now too weak to continue..I need something to push me..to motivate me and to keep me going..but what is the something..and another thing I realize about myself is the harder I try to achieve what I want..the further I am from the goal..what is really going on?

couldn't sleep..every night when I close my eyes I feel like crying..am I really sick?the more you care about it..the further the distance between you and your goal..this is so wrong..this shouldn't be the way..I need a doctor..a doctor who can cure all my sickness to make my life better..or maybe just my migraine..that's more than enough..I need a psychologist..who can reopen my heart and tell me how to lead a better life..I am starting to scared..I am scared I will just go anytime..I am scared I won't have a good future..I am scared of meeting new people because I am scared of being betrayed or cheated..I am starting to stop trusting the world..the promises..are all lies..I don't know who am I now..why am I so upset all the time..why is there nothing for me to be happy about?

my family..so far away from me..couldn't reach them..too busy for me..no one to talk to..no one to rely on..and now..I am all alone..I seriously need to stand up again..I can't give up now..but I am feeling really exhausted..mentally and physically..解鈴還需係鈴人..no one can help me..no one.....

hopeless..

I guess I am totally hopeless..I seriously donno what the hell is wrong with me..what do I really want?come on..you should stop keep giving..didn't really sleep well nowadays and yea..seriously can't really fall asleep with everything in my mind..I shouldn't keep holding on anymore..what am I doing?You don't have much left do you?stop torturing yourself..I wish I could..but in fact..is easy to be said then done..what did I do to deserve all this?why?why the reality is always the most hurtful one?I am stress enough but what can I do?I don't want to have this kind of feeling anymore..I want to be tough..I want to numb myself but how can I do that when I can't even go through this?not a single soul can save me other than myself..why can't I just get what I want?!I am so sick of this..really sick of this..sick of everything that I have to go through..I can't wait for everything to come to the end..how long will it last?my heart is falling apart..

爲什麽？

時間過得好快。。假期就快到了尾聲。。而我自己覺得。。我完全都沒休息好。。還是好累好累。。讀書也沒沒什麽讀到。。時間就這樣過去了。。慢慢覺得越來越壓力了。。考試時間表出了。。我盡然從考試的第一天考到最後一天。。好煩哦！
反正最近除了煩功課外也在煩生活上的點點滴滴。。比如説。。我下個sem會不會在這裡？如果會。。那我應不應該搬走。。搬走了真的會很捨不得。。我該怎麽做？還有。。一直在想著爲什麽有些情人不能終成卷屬。。爲什麽要那麽痛苦？我終于知道了他的真實想法。。我心裏也覺得好過一些。。無須在猜測。。那是好事。。但看著他那樣受苦。。我的心真得好痛。。好想緊緊地抱著他。。告訴他。。別再這樣了。。就好好珍惜現在不管將來會怎樣好嗎？但我做不到。。我不知道該怎麽辦了。。然後。。煩惱著家庭。。好想回家。。好想念我爸媽。。不知道他們好不好。。打電話回家都沒什麽時間和我聊。。媽打給我時我都在睡覺。。結果心情超不好。。結果讓媽好不開心。。好内疚！！這個人生真的好多煩惱。。但有人告訴我說人要試著面對所有的煩惱才會長大。。越過了障礙就會更堅強。。將來遇到同樣的事時就能迎刃而解。。這段期間和一群比我成熟的人住在一起真的讓我長大了不少。。也學了很多。。人活在這世界上只有一個原因。。就是找出爲什麽我們會在這世界上。。一一揭開所有的爲什麽。。不是嗎？

繼續讀書了。。大家加油！！=)

Easter Break so far..

well..I had a very pack easter holiday the past few days..It was enjoyable and fun to travel all the way to Adelaide, Alice Spring and Uluru by car..my whole body is aching now thanks to the Uluru rock mountain..I didnt manage to reach the top..cos I was kinda dehydrated up there..haha!!anyway..it was a very nice and good experience..it was fun to do that with a bunch of friends..we laughed we teased each other..we played game in the car..the only part that upset me is after trip I actually miss him more..nothing happened just that he wrote something on my Ipad that touched my heart..I regretted for not giving any reply but the thing is I find it super meaningless to give any reply because..the ending will still be the same isn't?at least i can treat him super normal now..I wont feel anything when we had any physical contact..perhaps I am numb now..n cold inside..anyway!!I just reached home!!and heading to airport soon to pick my sis..I am so half dead..cos didnt really slp the whole 4 days..even in the car..
ohya..we killed 2 rabbits 2 birds and injured 1 kangaroo during the journey..hahahaha!!okie..I am mean..but on the way there and back..we saw a lots of dead animals like kangaroos..dogs..sheeps..birds and even big cows..and I am kinda numb looking at it now..and the car is full of blood stain..gona help to clean up the car later as well..before sending it to him..and 1 last interesting experiment..we spent a night in a car..like really in the car at the road side..because..we were out of petrol..and all the petrol stations were closed on the way to Uluru..and yea..my housemate gona car pool one of the strangers car to the nearest petrol station which is 52 km away and came back to fill in the petrol..and after the experience..we act prepared 20 L of petrol in the car everytime we need to drive during midnight..and the greatest part is the petrol was leaking in the car booth..and I was so scared I will just die like that for inhaling so much fuel..hahaha!!so yea..there goes my 4 days trip..
I thanks all my trip mates for giving me such a wonderful and memorable trip..I enjoyed a lot!!and yea..being with you is also the best time in my memory..=)..

have fun people!!and happy holiday!!
cheers~

Thankful..

After watching this video..I got really motivated and thankful to the life I am having now..everyone is facing different difficulties everyday and have to overcome all the obstacles in our life..we are put in the situation to build our character and not destroy us..to him..our daily problems are nothing..the obstacles he is facing is 1 million bigger compared to ours..why he can overcome it and we can't?he seriously touches my heart and I was really tearing while watching the video..and yea..I am going to find my strength to overcome all my troubles and be happy again..thanks..

The human spirit can handle much more than we realize.

It matters HOW you are going to FINISH.

Are YOU going to finish STRONG?

The CHALLENGES in our life are there to STRENGTHEN our CONVICTIONS. They are NOT there to RUN us over.

I've never met a BITTER person who was thankful or a THANKFUL person was are bitter.

Thankful to what you have and not bitter for what you DON'T have.

In your life, you have a choice of BITTER or BETTER..choose Better and FORGET Bitter..

cheers~be thankful and get inspired guys!=)