談感情。。

最近談戀愛的談戀愛，訂婚的訂婚，開始讓我想我是不是應該不要再那麽不在乎？
過去的事不應該成爲我接受另一段感情的障礙。。
看見朋友有人照顧其實心裏還蠻酸的，縂覺得自己很瀟灑，
但想想，自己也應該停下腳步，為自己的將來打算吧。。
縂在為別人的事忙，自己卻一刻都沒辦法停下來歇一歇。。
人生到底是什麽？

和朋友聊著，他讓我聼了這首歌，雖然有點悲，
但歌詞裏的一只一句何嘗不是事實？
人說 談感情 先認真的就不會贏
我們愛上的那個總是會比較愛自己
這句最貼切了不是嗎？
這應該也是爲什麽我都是那個被動的。。
自己清楚知道，一旦認真起來，就會全心全意的對他好。。
一旦開始了一段感情，不管發生什麽事都會盡力地維持。。
還記得Student Council 聚會時，無意閒料到了，結婚時要怎麽整新郎時，
我的反應居然是，“我結婚時，拜托你們別整我老公，因爲我會心痛，我也會很疼我老公。”
大家聽到都嚇到了，只是想想，那不是應該的嗎？




姐姐就快訂婚了，心裏有點感概。。
我一直在照顧，一直擔心的姐姐終于要結婚了。。
看見她有人照顧了，除了父母，我想我是最開心的吧。。
未來姐夫是多麽地疼她，感覺自己好像在嫁女兒一樣。。
姐，你一定要幸福。。永遠愛你。。

Happy?

Just realized my entries are full with negative force!so I shall attract some positive energy here..though the weather is a bit gloomy now..and looks like is going to rain so heavily in a while!!! I shall go home when my laptop shut down itself later..=p..

So, any happy events going on nowadays?HMM..1stly, I submitted my SSC proposal and I have no idea if I will need to redo, but not going to care for now!Next, most of the societies stuff kind of settle down now, hopefully.. Student Council?not quite giving a damn for now, at least won't be so busy till they finalize the End Year Ball event? Not even sure if I am in charge of collecting money considering Trisha will be away for a week for her Miss Universe competition, so I had done my part for now..Came out with all the budgets, ready to go for meeting with Prof Brad on Thurs.

Friends wise, not much changes, I am happy whenever my Aus and UK friends Skype me or just leave some warm messages even when I was offline. Thanks girls, I love you all so much..in fact I am easily contented..I will smile even when replying comments on Insta or twitter. I am happy when friends called and show concern, I am happy with my life now though I am alone most of the time. But why am I emo still?that's because unhappy events are overwhelming the happy 1..=X..

Anyway, was supposed to sleep early last night, thanks to L who made me laugh non stop before leaving uni.. I was energetic when I walked to my car, eyes was pain when driving, physically exhausted but my brain was so hyperactive. So, ended up chatting till 2am..what a life, never expect to chat with K and my daughters till that late..sometimes is fun to just chat randomly and get yourself out of all the academic stuff, apparently, I was supposed to have a son-in-law and I was so happy when my daughter told me that but sadly, he ended up to have a off campus girlfriend..hahaha!Oh well, my daughters are all so enthu to get themselves a daddy, but too bad la, their daddy is staying in my future..=p..Rumors about me and K should just stop..I ended up lecturing my daughters for spreading the rumours and kept making both of us so awkward infront of everyone and also my future him will jealous!!!Rumours can be a friendshhip killer in a sense that when rumours started, we will tend to avoid him/her though I don't care since I clearly know that there is nothing happened between us. anyway, all I wanted to clarify is K is just a close buddy of mine, a close friend who willing to help me up when I need some advice, that's all! he has someone else and I have mine..my point is..I am happy chatting with my daughters..hahaha!

Nothing much to be happy now I guess.. More like I am going to get emo soon again, feel like having a getaway so badly, want to go somewhere where I can enjoy the nice scenery with nice weather, even if is just Singapore, though I don't like to go Singapore but at least I can enjoy the X'mas atmosphere.. My friends should just stop showing me all the nice X'mas decor at Clarke Quay and Marina Bay Sand..=(.. Feel like singing K, but no kaki.. feel like doing so many things but I can't. =(..

Alright, shall stop, have enough rest now, get back to study!! How I wish my High-ness is real, Z, I am not always hyperactive, I was just acting! because is not very nice to show emo face everytime I see you around in Uni.

cheers~

Rainy Night..

A sudden rain from a silent night made me think of, something bad suddenly happens in your daily life..without any notices..

been down for the past few days, tried to talk to people and realised, no matter how close the friends are to you, he/she will never be there to listen to you forever, he/she might just went offline without telling you or even when you are half way telling your problem, and yea..it made me even down..but what to do?is none of their business after all..I admit..I tend to emo over the same thing over and over and over again, but is that really my fault?I know, life still goes on no matter what happened, but am I not strong enough? I have no idea, I am just sick of the world where I need to wear mask infront of everyone, even to my family, to make sure they are not worried about me..why the hell do I need to smile or pretend I am happy when I am obviously not?

paralysed myself on bed for hours after uni event, reflecting myself, thinking if I did anything wrong that I actually deserved that kind of treatment?sometimes I am just thinking, will a bad girl easier to be?probably because they don't have to care what people think about them or care about other's feeling?Still remember a friend of mine sat next to me during break time in lecture hall, I was replying someone's message and he was looking, I ended the message with a smile, the next moment, he was telling me, why are you putting a smile in the message when you are not smiling at all..I looked at him and I was speechless..that moment was, I just don't want to make the conversation to be so tense up maybe?or maybe I got used to it already, and that makes me think again..

oh well, rain is getting heavier, and I have no idea why my heart beats faster everytime I hear the sound of the raindrops..I hate myself for being this way, hate myself for being so emotional, hate myself for caring so much when I clearly know no one will appreciate..was having an urge to speed just now on the way back from sending the kids home, I am sorry I did speed a bit when sending them back..I like the speed, though my heart can't take it..I like the feeling, I like the feeling when my body float on the water like a dead body, the time when you just let your mind goes blank, relax your whole body totally..I love nature..nature with no mosquitoes..=.="

I miss Melb now, miss sitting at Dockland, with cold weather, wind breezing towards your face..

am tired..night world..

So...

So, this is how life works, the more you care, the more it won't turn out to be what you want,
The more you don't care, the more it approached you.
What is wrong with me, am I too free to think of all these stuff?
Shouldn't be so efficient so I can use all my time to settle things one by one,
to prevent me from thinking too much?

Insomnia loves me, no matter how I tired I was during the day,
I can never sleep at night!
No, nothing is wrong with my brain,
Nothing is wrong with my neuron,
Nothing is wrong with my synapses,
and nothing is wrong with my Myelination..

So, what is wrong with me..
only my heart knows the answer...

After completing all my jobs,
My heart and soul is flying everywhere..
Please come back, I need you all to stay focus..
BECAUSE I NEED TO BE IN THE CUP,
NOT THE PULP THAT GOT STUCK AT THE FILTER!
:(

Ironic..

Ironically, with such a wide social circle, I have no one to talk to like right now..
Idiotic tears just flow down when I was all alone in library,
What on earth is wrong with me, it was just a rainy day as usual,
perhaps some incident just stop my brain from functioning,
I have no idea why I reacted that way, I don't know what am I trying to hide,
there's is nothing wrong isn't it? but why am I acting so weirdly?
and I am truly sorry but I have no stand to say that to you..Do I?
I might soon be labelled as the weirdest girl in the world..

2 sentences, that all I talked to her, and none to him..
Is that the sign of the end of the friendship?
Totally not in mood in anything considering whatever I am having today were all about MiC..

In need of someone's shoulder to cry on..
I am weak right now..and HUNGRY..=.="

Annoyed..

Dr. Kevin is allergic to incompetence..and I on the other hand am allergic to irresponsibility..feel like swearing out loud now but I am trying to be civilize here..why is everyone (mostly) around me does not have a sense of responsibility? what do you mean by no time? finish what you are supposed to do before doing those unnecessary stuff, ie, going out for a party, and spend your night drinking! Don't ever come to complain that you can't finish certain duties I had allocated to you because you are "busy", you are not the only one and I am doing all your jobs all this while!

YOU and YOU and YOU! so called his close friends yet you guys just don't give a shit on him. I am trying to be nice here by hosting an event and all you all did are just clicking "like", seriously? being sensitive about not being invited to someone's birthday celebration who you are not really close with and now I AM BLOODY INVITING YOU to your so called close friend's 21st Birthday celebration, but you just don't care, what kind of HOMO SAPIENS are you? I am sorry if I just delete the event, but I really don't feel like dealing with all this anymore. You guys might be thinking why I care so much about him but if you people ever realised, I care for everyone, perhaps that's the least I can do for my close friends who study together everyday and hang out together most of the time? I know there are rumours out there about me and him, but frankly speaking, if we ever want to compare the level of "closeness" I can say out loud that you people are so much closer to him than I am. Oh well, whatever, not like I care how you people handle your own friendship, but don't ever bother come and ask me why I do what I am going to do next..

And now the fireworks are really annoying!I am sorry that you guys are enjoying out there but I am really in a foul mood now..don't even feel like going to uni tomorrow to face all the hypocrites..I CAN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE, why do I even come back at the 1st place?

sorry for all the ranting again..but it seems like I can only rant it here because I find myself annoying sometimes as well..this is what we called........."LIFE"

12.11AM...tears just rolled down without any reason. Listening to "In Love", and my heart started to feel hurt, no idea what trigger that..has been a while I have this kind of emotional break down..

November...

When it comes to November, I always have this question, WHY IS EVERYONE'S BIRTHDAY ON NOVEMBER!3 cakes a week is no fun..organising all the surprise party for every single close friends who are turning 21 this year lagi no fun when there are so much work to be done. oh well..that's not what bothering me the most now, what's bothering me now is why am I forever so tired when I already had enough sleep..=(..catching up with studies is fun, enjoy studying alone though I miss all my study buddies back in Melb..but well, I am starting to get used to the life here..

Anyway! I am tired and thanks God tomorrow is holiday, but I have no idea why I don't have any holiday mood! well, probably because I have things planned out for tomorrow already, and "running errand is fun!"..realising haven't prepare my seminar material and my proposal for my assignment!!SERIOUSLY, dear Juniors, I am sorry but I really don't have anymore time to help you guys up until I finish my assignment proposal..

After re-read what I wrote, realised everything is not linked..but well, talking crap here..think I should get back to sleep after being shocked by all the fireworks..HAPPY DEEPAVALI!!

ohya, surprisingly I was in very good mood when I woke up this morning, no idea why, could due to the weather, could due to the events happening in my life now, maybe I had finally let go whatever I used to hold it so tight, or might even because I have some mental illness..hmmmm...night!

NOVEMBER IS JUST SO NOT MY MONTH..=.="..Hectic life, and I am learning to enjoy it..

p/s: whatever came from your mouth will not influence me anymore, sorry for not talking to you or not even looking at you, but you are the one who made me to do that to you, have fun fooling people around but I will not be the victim anymore..oh, and you!I love you for backing me up!is fun to see you being so sarcastic..=p

I eat a lot nowadays, I eat when I am stress, I eat when I am down, I eat when I am hungry, I eat when I am happy..so EAT DIE ME..=D

night world...xoxo

thank you..=D

If you ever read this, all I wanted to say is thank you..
Thank you so much for the accompaniment and willing to lend me your ears..
Clearly know that you are extremely busy and I really appreciate it..
Since I started year 2, I wasn't really always in the happy mood till I met you and started talking..
You always never fail to make me laugh and make me feel happy from the bottom of my heart..
I enjoyed the moment everytime we hang out though I was very tired most of the time..
Talking to you made me feel sooo much better..
And talking to you I don't feel any stress at all..I am surprised that we can interact well..
Probably you are someone who got arranged by fate to substitute those friends who had left me..
Anyway, I cherish every single friendship, and that includes you..:)
Hope you stay happy everyday and fighting for your coming exam!
And you are not worthless!
You are priceless and you are so much better than what you are expecting about yourself..;)
So, thanks again and take care..^^
goodnight! sleep tight!:)

失而復得。。

有時，失而復得並不是件好事。。
曾經，我因失去了你送我的東西傷心了很久。。
如今，無意閒在書包找書時，它出現了。。
看著它，我不曉得自己該怎麽做。。
回憶一幕一幕地在腦海裏播著。。
雖然心痛的感覺不再有，但在這憂鬱的雨天，怎會沒感觸？
一個人靜靜的在圖書館讀書，打擾我的不是人，而是感覺。。
你影響了我的思緒。。我卻拿你沒辦法。。

在想，短短的三天，事情怎會變得那麽僵。。
朋友卻説，不要說三天，一小時一能發生好多事了。。
我領悟了吧？又或許還沒？
現在的我已精疲力盡。。不要在問我爲什麽那麽冷。。
不要再問我，爲什麽我在遠離你們。。
這就是我應該做的吧。。
只想一個人好好的。。等著我未來的他。。
就這樣。。

time to go back to book..:3

此刻的我。。

此刻的我並不希望有人能聆聽我所有想說的話。。
只希望有人能靜靜地坐在我身邊讓我依靠。。

好希望十一月快結束，那我就可以與這些人畫上句點。。
厭倦了這一切的一切，虛僞的人啊，我很快就會離你們而去。。

累了就要休息，想要的就要爭取，只是，現實生活裏，並沒那麽簡單。。
我的腦一秒都沒停過，只想找出我要的答案，但答案也就只有有些人能告訴我。。

而你卻在那裏？

晚安。。

Sleepless night...

things started to go wild in my mind when insomnia strike, been spending most of my night either in Library or ISV recently, after sending the kids off to ISV, 2 batchmates of mine happened to appear and we had some chat about what to do for our friend's birthday, God knows I will find out things that strike my heart. I will never expect this friend of mine who sit next to me everyday during lectures will go around and sabotage me saying how mean I am to her..but well, I don't deny about what I did, I love to give people cold shoulder when I am unhappy, I don't initiate conversation when I was trying to focus during lectures, I don't like people keep staring at my notes when I was trying to jot down whatever I can get from the lecturers. Is true that I used to think is my problem, but I just can't be bothered anymore but I really never expect that you acting so nicely and so caring to me everyday in uni and ended up being the one who talked bad about me behind me?I am grateful enough that those 2 batchmates realised something is not right and willing to bring that up to me, and is so great that they used to think I am who she told. I am sorry for not being able to reach your standard of being your friend because that is just who I am, take it or leave it, I don't give a damn, is not that I can't live without friends. Frankly speaking I, already have all the wonderful people in my life, I don't need you to be there to screw mine. Just leave me alone.

Seriously, what is going on with this world?why those people keep appearing in my life, I am sorry to say that, I wouldn't even start talking to you on the 1st day I enter uni if my close friend is not your groupmate. GROW UP!you are bloody turning 21 this year, and you are doing all the high school stuff, you are the only child in the family doesn't mean you can go around and do what you like!This is so gona ruin my moodfor the day again.

Monday Blue

No idea why am I so emo early in the morning..surprisingly I was driving 80km/h along the way to uni, I was hoping the traffic light will turn red so I can sit and chill in the car, listening to the emo song played by my modulator and watching the rain falling infront of me..I am so lazy to talk or even smile when friends were talking to me..chose to sit all alone in one corner of the library though they were friends who were having same break time with me. No idea if my brain actually absorb what I studied..all I know is I totally don't have the mood to talk to anyone. what's going on with me?

Perhaps I know what happened to me but I guess I can't really bring that up to anyone. This should not influence me now, well, is not the right thing to think about now I guess? Wish I could just bury that deep into my heart and forget all about that for now.

Been telling myself not to get involve with anything which is unrelated to me, been telling myself not to care everything happens around me, but why am I feeling so left out when I was so called part of the team number and know nothing about what's going on?yes..I don't like talking to you because you love fighting with me over something that is got to do with my personal thinking..but that doesn't mean you have the right to exclude me out for the "official" meeting for an official event? Should I be glad or upset?Glad that I will not have much workload because those are none of my business and upset that I am your so called friend and i got neglected? Feeling so awkward when friends around me asking why am I here when other members are having meeting..All I can say is I have no idea, I wasn't called up to attend the meeting. Anyway, what I don't wish to happen is finally happening. Positions affecting the friendship, priority got misplaced, whatever it is, I should just let go, since I am fine with my life alone. Had a chat with one of the members whom I didn't expect will have a conversation just between us, it actually made me feel worst by knowing everything about what they discussed and I was not involved. Sometimes, is better not to know anything then hearing something from someone else.

Wish time can pass faster since there is no way for me to quit now..

another emotional weekend..

Finally most of the things are coming to the end, or maybe is just the beginning..Uni reopen till now, today is the only day I could sleep till 9am..how sad is that?well, lots of incidence happened since uni reopen, Orientation, Student Union and all the Societies I got involved just stopped me from breathing..Though was really tired, but I learnt a lot and realized how naive I was or maybe how idiotic I was in the past 1 year. I wouldn't say I enjoyed the whole process. again, people around me are changing, or perhaps I was the one who kept changing..I am no longer that enthu though I will still do my best to get things done in order to make everyone happy. But I am so sick with all the outcomes I got, people are taking me for granted, my so called close friend is no longer that close, I am back to the origin again. I am all alone. Ironically, I do enjoy the lonely moment where I don't have to fake myself to smile to who I didn't want to talk to and trying to accept his so called matured reasoning..I always wonder, how could a guy keep telling me how matured he is when the fact is he is extremely childish?How could someone can just keep telling he wants ideas from everyone to make it fair but the in the end he was still the 1 who said it all..From what I understand, the conversation should not have started from the very beginning.

I used to believe human nature is kind..but everything happened around me like right now is pulling my faith down, I no longer trust people so easily yet I feel so transparent infront of everyone..everyone knows what I am thinking?!!I used to believe in love, but thanks to past experience, I never want to get involve again..till now when I started to let go a bit thinking of accepting it again, some incidence just stop me from doing so..what is really going on in this world?Is it purely because of the hormone or guys are designed like that naturally?why cant a guy just stick to 1 girl and be faithful to her?not even when you are already married?not trying to generalise everyone but well, that's what I always see..because of that period of happiness, you are willing to ruin the warm family you built up, are you crazy, insane or brainless?because of someone who is not going to be there with you forever, because of someone who did not even involve with the hardship of your life in the past, is that really worth it?you have all the smart kids with a dedicated wife, what are you expecting more?not trying to be harsh, but do guys really think without using their brain?or their hormoneS say it all?

Last night before sleep, I don't know why people suddenly came and told me how much they wish to have a boyfriend, need someone to rely on, life is dull and no excitement..well, I would say mine too..I am sick of being so independent, sick of staying strong, but the thing is..who is there for me to rely on?looking back to the past, with everything I saw..I am not brave enough to take up the challenge until someone right for me appears..If not, sorry if I don't reply your message.