有時，失而復得並不是件好事。。
曾經，我因失去了你送我的東西傷心了很久。。
如今，無意閒在書包找書時，它出現了。。
看著它，我不曉得自己該怎麽做。。
回憶一幕一幕地在腦海裏播著。。
雖然心痛的感覺不再有，但在這憂鬱的雨天，怎會沒感觸？
一個人靜靜的在圖書館讀書，打擾我的不是人，而是感覺。。
你影響了我的思緒。。我卻拿你沒辦法。。
在想，短短的三天，事情怎會變得那麽僵。。
朋友卻説，不要說三天，一小時一能發生好多事了。。
我領悟了吧？又或許還沒？
現在的我已精疲力盡。。不要在問我爲什麽那麽冷。。
不要再問我，爲什麽我在遠離你們。。
這就是我應該做的吧。。
只想一個人好好的。。等著我未來的他。。
就這樣。。
time to go back to book..:3
20121108
此刻的我。。
此刻的我並不希望有人能聆聽我所有想說的話。。
只希望有人能靜靜地坐在我身邊讓我依靠。。
好希望十一月快結束，那我就可以與這些人畫上句點。。
厭倦了這一切的一切，虛僞的人啊，我很快就會離你們而去。。
累了就要休息，想要的就要爭取，只是，現實生活裏，並沒那麽簡單。。
我的腦一秒都沒停過，只想找出我要的答案，但答案也就只有有些人能告訴我。。
而你卻在那裏？
晚安。。
只希望有人能靜靜地坐在我身邊讓我依靠。。
好希望十一月快結束，那我就可以與這些人畫上句點。。
厭倦了這一切的一切，虛僞的人啊，我很快就會離你們而去。。
累了就要休息，想要的就要爭取，只是，現實生活裏，並沒那麽簡單。。
我的腦一秒都沒停過，只想找出我要的答案，但答案也就只有有些人能告訴我。。
而你卻在那裏？
晚安。。
20121107
Sleepless night...
things started to go wild in my mind when insomnia strike, been spending most of my night either in Library or ISV recently, after sending the kids off to ISV, 2 batchmates of mine happened to appear and we had some chat about what to do for our friend's birthday, God knows I will find out things that strike my heart. I will never expect this friend of mine who sit next to me everyday during lectures will go around and sabotage me saying how mean I am to her..but well, I don't deny about what I did, I love to give people cold shoulder when I am unhappy, I don't initiate conversation when I was trying to focus during lectures, I don't like people keep staring at my notes when I was trying to jot down whatever I can get from the lecturers. Is true that I used to think is my problem, but I just can't be bothered anymore but I really never expect that you acting so nicely and so caring to me everyday in uni and ended up being the one who talked bad about me behind me?I am grateful enough that those 2 batchmates realised something is not right and willing to bring that up to me, and is so great that they used to think I am who she told. I am sorry for not being able to reach your standard of being your friend because that is just who I am, take it or leave it, I don't give a damn, is not that I can't live without friends. Frankly speaking I, already have all the wonderful people in my life, I don't need you to be there to screw mine. Just leave me alone.
Seriously, what is going on with this world?why those people keep appearing in my life, I am sorry to say that, I wouldn't even start talking to you on the 1st day I enter uni if my close friend is not your groupmate. GROW UP!you are bloody turning 21 this year, and you are doing all the high school stuff, you are the only child in the family doesn't mean you can go around and do what you like!This is so gona ruin my moodfor the day again.
Seriously, what is going on with this world?why those people keep appearing in my life, I am sorry to say that, I wouldn't even start talking to you on the 1st day I enter uni if my close friend is not your groupmate. GROW UP!you are bloody turning 21 this year, and you are doing all the high school stuff, you are the only child in the family doesn't mean you can go around and do what you like!This is so gona ruin my moodfor the day again.
20121105
Monday Blue
No idea why am I so emo early in the morning..surprisingly I was driving 80km/h along the way to uni, I was hoping the traffic light will turn red so I can sit and chill in the car, listening to the emo song played by my modulator and watching the rain falling infront of me..I am so lazy to talk or even smile when friends were talking to me..chose to sit all alone in one corner of the library though they were friends who were having same break time with me. No idea if my brain actually absorb what I studied..all I know is I totally don't have the mood to talk to anyone. what's going on with me?
Perhaps I know what happened to me but I guess I can't really bring that up to anyone. This should not influence me now, well, is not the right thing to think about now I guess? Wish I could just bury that deep into my heart and forget all about that for now.
Been telling myself not to get involve with anything which is unrelated to me, been telling myself not to care everything happens around me, but why am I feeling so left out when I was so called part of the team number and know nothing about what's going on?yes..I don't like talking to you because you love fighting with me over something that is got to do with my personal thinking..but that doesn't mean you have the right to exclude me out for the "official" meeting for an official event? Should I be glad or upset?Glad that I will not have much workload because those are none of my business and upset that I am your so called friend and i got neglected? Feeling so awkward when friends around me asking why am I here when other members are having meeting..All I can say is I have no idea, I wasn't called up to attend the meeting. Anyway, what I don't wish to happen is finally happening. Positions affecting the friendship, priority got misplaced, whatever it is, I should just let go, since I am fine with my life alone. Had a chat with one of the members whom I didn't expect will have a conversation just between us, it actually made me feel worst by knowing everything about what they discussed and I was not involved. Sometimes, is better not to know anything then hearing something from someone else.
Wish time can pass faster since there is no way for me to quit now..
Perhaps I know what happened to me but I guess I can't really bring that up to anyone. This should not influence me now, well, is not the right thing to think about now I guess? Wish I could just bury that deep into my heart and forget all about that for now.
Been telling myself not to get involve with anything which is unrelated to me, been telling myself not to care everything happens around me, but why am I feeling so left out when I was so called part of the team number and know nothing about what's going on?yes..I don't like talking to you because you love fighting with me over something that is got to do with my personal thinking..but that doesn't mean you have the right to exclude me out for the "official" meeting for an official event? Should I be glad or upset?Glad that I will not have much workload because those are none of my business and upset that I am your so called friend and i got neglected? Feeling so awkward when friends around me asking why am I here when other members are having meeting..All I can say is I have no idea, I wasn't called up to attend the meeting. Anyway, what I don't wish to happen is finally happening. Positions affecting the friendship, priority got misplaced, whatever it is, I should just let go, since I am fine with my life alone. Had a chat with one of the members whom I didn't expect will have a conversation just between us, it actually made me feel worst by knowing everything about what they discussed and I was not involved. Sometimes, is better not to know anything then hearing something from someone else.
Wish time can pass faster since there is no way for me to quit now..
20121103
another emotional weekend..
Finally most of the things are coming to the end, or maybe is just the beginning..Uni reopen till now, today is the only day I could sleep till 9am..how sad is that?well, lots of incidence happened since uni reopen, Orientation, Student Union and all the Societies I got involved just stopped me from breathing..Though was really tired, but I learnt a lot and realized how naive I was or maybe how idiotic I was in the past 1 year. I wouldn't say I enjoyed the whole process. again, people around me are changing, or perhaps I was the one who kept changing..I am no longer that enthu though I will still do my best to get things done in order to make everyone happy. But I am so sick with all the outcomes I got, people are taking me for granted, my so called close friend is no longer that close, I am back to the origin again. I am all alone. Ironically, I do enjoy the lonely moment where I don't have to fake myself to smile to who I didn't want to talk to and trying to accept his so called matured reasoning..I always wonder, how could a guy keep telling me how matured he is when the fact is he is extremely childish?How could someone can just keep telling he wants ideas from everyone to make it fair but the in the end he was still the 1 who said it all..From what I understand, the conversation should not have started from the very beginning.
I used to believe human nature is kind..but everything happened around me like right now is pulling my faith down, I no longer trust people so easily yet I feel so transparent infront of everyone..everyone knows what I am thinking?!!I used to believe in love, but thanks to past experience, I never want to get involve again..till now when I started to let go a bit thinking of accepting it again, some incidence just stop me from doing so..what is really going on in this world?Is it purely because of the hormone or guys are designed like that naturally?why cant a guy just stick to 1 girl and be faithful to her?not even when you are already married?not trying to generalise everyone but well, that's what I always see..because of that period of happiness, you are willing to ruin the warm family you built up, are you crazy, insane or brainless?because of someone who is not going to be there with you forever, because of someone who did not even involve with the hardship of your life in the past, is that really worth it?you have all the smart kids with a dedicated wife, what are you expecting more?not trying to be harsh, but do guys really think without using their brain?or their hormoneS say it all?
Last night before sleep, I don't know why people suddenly came and told me how much they wish to have a boyfriend, need someone to rely on, life is dull and no excitement..well, I would say mine too..I am sick of being so independent, sick of staying strong, but the thing is..who is there for me to rely on?looking back to the past, with everything I saw..I am not brave enough to take up the challenge until someone right for me appears..If not, sorry if I don't reply your message.
I used to believe human nature is kind..but everything happened around me like right now is pulling my faith down, I no longer trust people so easily yet I feel so transparent infront of everyone..everyone knows what I am thinking?!!I used to believe in love, but thanks to past experience, I never want to get involve again..till now when I started to let go a bit thinking of accepting it again, some incidence just stop me from doing so..what is really going on in this world?Is it purely because of the hormone or guys are designed like that naturally?why cant a guy just stick to 1 girl and be faithful to her?not even when you are already married?not trying to generalise everyone but well, that's what I always see..because of that period of happiness, you are willing to ruin the warm family you built up, are you crazy, insane or brainless?because of someone who is not going to be there with you forever, because of someone who did not even involve with the hardship of your life in the past, is that really worth it?you have all the smart kids with a dedicated wife, what are you expecting more?not trying to be harsh, but do guys really think without using their brain?or their hormoneS say it all?
Last night before sleep, I don't know why people suddenly came and told me how much they wish to have a boyfriend, need someone to rely on, life is dull and no excitement..well, I would say mine too..I am sick of being so independent, sick of staying strong, but the thing is..who is there for me to rely on?looking back to the past, with everything I saw..I am not brave enough to take up the challenge until someone right for me appears..If not, sorry if I don't reply your message.
20120816
好累。。
好久沒回到屬於自己一個人的地方。。考完試至今仿佛腳步沒有停下來過。。只想好好過屬於自己的假期。。但慢慢發現。。我，活在這世界上好像就只是爲了別人而活。。有時太堅強可能也不是一件好事。。身邊的朋友，不曉得是不是自己的問題，總是感覺，他們，變了。。變得我都不曉得自己接不接受得了。。假期，只然而然就會與好久不見的朋友見見面，敍敍舊。。只是，我好像沒有什麽話題好聊了。。身邊發生了好多事，讓我不想再去了解與參與。。裹著自己的生活，一個人的。。可能比較好吧。。
有時覺得自己很幸福，有時又覺得，真的很希望能讓家人看到我並沒有那麽堅強，一樣需要得到安慰。。有時，一句關心的話真的能讓我開心一整天，只是，怎麽總是那麽遙不可及？昨天和自己最要好的男性朋友聊了心事，想知道爲什麽女生的思想中是那麽複雜。。明明不管我的事卻會因爲妒忌而重傷我，即使是所謂的好朋友。。我記得他對我說，"you had prove yourself for being capable and over independent, that is why your parents will leave all the decision to you, you are a powerful girl." 我只回了他一句，"If I am that powerful, why is everyone not listening to me?I have no power at all." 他告訴我說，"You had compromised too much, trying hard to please eveyone, and they thought you are strong enough to handle everything." 我醒了。。或許，我真的不應該再容忍，處處讓步，可是。。Is it too late to say I am actually very weak inside?
我好累。。好像離開這裡，讓自己的心定下來，做些為自己做的事。。讓自己開心些。。這樣的願望真的有那麽難達到嗎？我不懂。。
有時覺得自己很幸福，有時又覺得，真的很希望能讓家人看到我並沒有那麽堅強，一樣需要得到安慰。。有時，一句關心的話真的能讓我開心一整天，只是，怎麽總是那麽遙不可及？昨天和自己最要好的男性朋友聊了心事，想知道爲什麽女生的思想中是那麽複雜。。明明不管我的事卻會因爲妒忌而重傷我，即使是所謂的好朋友。。我記得他對我說，"you had prove yourself for being capable and over independent, that is why your parents will leave all the decision to you, you are a powerful girl." 我只回了他一句，"If I am that powerful, why is everyone not listening to me?I have no power at all." 他告訴我說，"You had compromised too much, trying hard to please eveyone, and they thought you are strong enough to handle everything." 我醒了。。或許，我真的不應該再容忍，處處讓步，可是。。Is it too late to say I am actually very weak inside?
我好累。。好像離開這裡，讓自己的心定下來，做些為自己做的事。。讓自己開心些。。這樣的願望真的有那麽難達到嗎？我不懂。。
20120324
silent night..
3 months..been 3 months since I last came here..no idea what stop me from writing..sitting on the beanbag..looking out of my window..wind breezing..it somehow makes me think of this place..brought me back to the life in Melb..remembering how I spent my night when I was alone..sitting alone at Dockland with the super cold weather..watching all the lights and the car crossing the bridge..perhaps is also because my laptop is dying..I have no idea why am I feeling so down watching my laptop dies off slowly..it makes me think of how am I going to deal with the patients who are dying in the future?well..laptop..though it is not a living thing..but it had accompanied me through all the tough time..since year 2008.. the point where my life started to change..it was a wonderful friend that I wouldn't wish to abandon..but it seems like it is going to leave me soon..feeling emo at this hour isn't a good thing..ever since I started my uni here, things been changing..my life is totally different now..and it makes me realised lots more things..some bitter memories had now become the sweet one..could it due to the fact that I had let go?been thinking lots of stuff nowadays before I sleep..been questioning my mum too while having meal together..I still remember I asked my mum this..:"ma, do you really think I am fit to be a doctor?I am worried that I cant deal with death..a drama can make me cry like mad.."is not about how good the actress and actors act..but the fact that I tried to put myself into the scenario, will I be able to cope with it?how am I going to deal with the time if I am still an intern, and one of my love one is going to leave me on the day I am going to be a doctor officially?will I still be able to stand up?how am I going to deal with the moment if one day I found out I have a tumour that could lose my life and I just started my medical career?will I be able to convince a lil girl to amputate her gangrene hand when she is in love with violin?so many doubts in my mind right now..what my mum replied was.."I am actually quite worried too..you can't even stand a dog being canned by bro..you can't stand a dog crying infront of you..what will happen in the future.." well..It is not very encouraging but that's also the facts I want to listen to..BUT the thing now is..will I be able to give up?I doubt so again..been through so many obstacles, and I am finally here..how could I possibly give up?
sis was telling me tomorrow is GAMSAT examination day..it brought me back to last year..at this moment of last year..I was lying on the sofa in the apartment of Spencer st, the guy slept on the other end was the 1 who told me how much he liked me that night..all the memories are back again..and the truth now is..we are a complete stranger right now..how ironic can this world be?NO..no heartache, no tears, no sadness..m just feeling emotional, how could things change in such a short time?no one could predict what will happen next..again I wonder, shouldn't you tell the one you really like no matter what the outcome is?so that you will not have any regrets..but how easy can that be done?I used to think that, as long as you like someone, any factors that might stop you will just disappear..but as we grow up, we realised that is not the case..again, though I don mind being friends again but how many people can be like what you want?so many things in my mind right now that I couldn't describe..but right now..I wish to have a getaway..been saying this donno how many thousands time, but I just don't have the time..I always tell me myself the phrase " don't have time" is just an excuse, because you are the one who arrange it..everyone has the same amount of time in a day..is all depends on how you organise it..but again..is easy to say than done..I willing to sacrifice my sleep to finish what I want to do, but how long can my body stand?I have to learn to accept the fact that things will not follow as you wish..sometimes I feel that I am not matured enough..not capable enough to help people around me who needs help..I am not wise enough to make certain decision..and I am not rational enough to control my own tempered..I am not a perfectionist, I just wish that things could happen in order, things arrange in order and not everywhere..
well..guess I need more reflection about all my behaviours and the way I lead my life..I don;t really like who I am now..I can be better,isn't it?
time to sleep, good night world..
hope I will feel better tomorrow..=)
sis was telling me tomorrow is GAMSAT examination day..it brought me back to last year..at this moment of last year..I was lying on the sofa in the apartment of Spencer st, the guy slept on the other end was the 1 who told me how much he liked me that night..all the memories are back again..and the truth now is..we are a complete stranger right now..how ironic can this world be?NO..no heartache, no tears, no sadness..m just feeling emotional, how could things change in such a short time?no one could predict what will happen next..again I wonder, shouldn't you tell the one you really like no matter what the outcome is?so that you will not have any regrets..but how easy can that be done?I used to think that, as long as you like someone, any factors that might stop you will just disappear..but as we grow up, we realised that is not the case..again, though I don mind being friends again but how many people can be like what you want?so many things in my mind right now that I couldn't describe..but right now..I wish to have a getaway..been saying this donno how many thousands time, but I just don't have the time..I always tell me myself the phrase " don't have time" is just an excuse, because you are the one who arrange it..everyone has the same amount of time in a day..is all depends on how you organise it..but again..is easy to say than done..I willing to sacrifice my sleep to finish what I want to do, but how long can my body stand?I have to learn to accept the fact that things will not follow as you wish..sometimes I feel that I am not matured enough..not capable enough to help people around me who needs help..I am not wise enough to make certain decision..and I am not rational enough to control my own tempered..I am not a perfectionist, I just wish that things could happen in order, things arrange in order and not everywhere..
well..guess I need more reflection about all my behaviours and the way I lead my life..I don;t really like who I am now..I can be better,isn't it?
time to sleep, good night world..
hope I will feel better tomorrow..=)
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