好累。。

好久沒回到屬於自己一個人的地方。。考完試至今仿佛腳步沒有停下來過。。只想好好過屬於自己的假期。。但慢慢發現。。我，活在這世界上好像就只是爲了別人而活。。有時太堅強可能也不是一件好事。。身邊的朋友，不曉得是不是自己的問題，總是感覺，他們，變了。。變得我都不曉得自己接不接受得了。。假期，只然而然就會與好久不見的朋友見見面，敍敍舊。。只是，我好像沒有什麽話題好聊了。。身邊發生了好多事，讓我不想再去了解與參與。。裹著自己的生活，一個人的。。可能比較好吧。。

有時覺得自己很幸福，有時又覺得，真的很希望能讓家人看到我並沒有那麽堅強，一樣需要得到安慰。。有時，一句關心的話真的能讓我開心一整天，只是，怎麽總是那麽遙不可及？昨天和自己最要好的男性朋友聊了心事，想知道爲什麽女生的思想中是那麽複雜。。明明不管我的事卻會因爲妒忌而重傷我，即使是所謂的好朋友。。我記得他對我說，"you had prove yourself for being capable and over independent, that is why your parents will leave all the decision to you, you are a powerful girl." 我只回了他一句，"If I am that powerful, why is everyone not listening to me?I have no power at all." 他告訴我說，"You had compromised too much, trying hard to please eveyone, and they thought you are strong enough to handle everything." 我醒了。。或許，我真的不應該再容忍，處處讓步，可是。。Is it too late to say I am actually very weak inside?

我好累。。好像離開這裡，讓自己的心定下來，做些為自己做的事。。讓自己開心些。。這樣的願望真的有那麽難達到嗎？我不懂。。

silent night..

3 months..been 3 months since I last came here..no idea what stop me from writing..sitting on the beanbag..looking out of my window..wind breezing..it somehow makes me think of this place..brought me back to the life in Melb..remembering how I spent my night when I was alone..sitting alone at Dockland with the super cold weather..watching all the lights and the car crossing the bridge..perhaps is also because my laptop is dying..I have no idea why am I feeling so down watching my laptop dies off slowly..it makes me think of how am I going to deal with the patients who are dying in the future?well..laptop..though it is not a living thing..but it had accompanied me through all the tough time..since year 2008.. the point where my life started to change..it was a wonderful friend that I wouldn't wish to abandon..but it seems like it is going to leave me soon..feeling emo at this hour isn't a good thing..ever since I started my uni here, things been changing..my life is totally different now..and it makes me realised lots more things..some bitter memories had now become the sweet one..could it due to the fact that I had let go?been thinking lots of stuff nowadays before I sleep..been questioning my mum too while having meal together..I still remember I asked my mum this..:"ma, do you really think I am fit to be a doctor?I am worried that I cant deal with death..a drama can make me cry like mad.."is not about how good the actress and actors act..but the fact that I tried to put myself into the scenario, will I be able to cope with it?how am I going to deal with the time if I am still an intern, and one of my love one is going to leave me on the day I am going to be a doctor officially?will I still be able to stand up?how am I going to deal with the moment if one day I found out I have a tumour that could lose my life and I just started my medical career?will I be able to convince a lil girl to amputate her gangrene hand when she is in love with violin?so many doubts in my mind right now..what my mum replied was.."I am actually quite worried too..you can't even stand a dog being canned by bro..you can't stand a dog crying infront of you..what will happen in the future.." well..It is not very encouraging but that's also the facts I want to listen to..BUT the thing now is..will I be able to give up?I doubt so again..been through so many obstacles, and I am finally here..how could I possibly give up?

sis was telling me tomorrow is GAMSAT examination day..it brought me back to last year..at this moment of last year..I was lying on the sofa in the apartment of Spencer st, the guy slept on the other end was the 1 who told me how much he liked me that night..all the memories are back again..and the truth now is..we are a complete stranger right now..how ironic can this world be?NO..no heartache, no tears, no sadness..m just feeling emotional, how could things change in such a short time?no one could predict what will happen next..again I wonder, shouldn't you tell the one you really like no matter what the outcome is?so that you will not have any regrets..but how easy can that be done?I used to think that, as long as you like someone, any factors that might stop you will just disappear..but as we grow up, we realised that is not the case..again, though I don mind being friends again but how many people can be like what you want?so many things in my mind right now that I couldn't describe..but right now..I wish to have a getaway..been saying this donno how many thousands time, but I just don't have the time..I always tell me myself the phrase " don't have time" is just an excuse, because you are the one who arrange it..everyone has the same amount of time in a day..is all depends on how you organise it..but again..is easy to say than done..I willing to sacrifice my sleep to finish what I want to do, but how long can my body stand?I have to learn to accept the fact that things will not follow as you wish..sometimes I feel that I am not matured enough..not capable enough to help people around me who needs help..I am not wise enough to make certain decision..and I am not rational enough to control my own tempered..I am not a perfectionist, I just wish that things could happen in order, things arrange in order and not everywhere..

well..guess I need more reflection about all my behaviours and the way I lead my life..I don;t really like who I am now..I can be better,isn't it?

time to sleep, good night world..
hope I will feel better tomorrow..=)

天真的我

看著他的狀況更新，我的心徹底死了。。我在他的人生裡終究也只是個過客。。或許是我自己太天真吧。。想說，當再有人說起他的不是，我應該試著不再為他辯護。。他畢竟不是我的甚麼人，也不值得我這麼做吧。。我或許應該把心鎖上了吧。。希望夢裡的我是稍微有點快樂的。。

又犯了。。

一切只能怪自己不夠堅強。。不夠定。。一切又要從來。。你就像毒品般讓我上了癮，怎樣都戒不掉。。我在這裡不斷地找著方法想要戒掉你毒，你卻在高興地讓更多癮君子染上你的毒。。這樣好嗎？即使你的毒無法讓人high起來，帶來的都是一大堆的副作用，仍然那麽多人染上了，真不簡單啊。。要怎樣才能變得更堅強？我還是一樣地好累。。

hot tempered me..

I have no idea where the hell did I inherit these bloody hot tempered from..I hate myself being that way..could it be the stress level I am having now?I feel so annoyed and pissed everyday for no reason..there are so many stuff in my mind waiting for me to deal with it..yet I am still in a mess of nothing..I don't know where to start and perhaps I had lost my way..I hate to be at home but I can't wait to go home everyday after class..I love to stay in my room alone yet I scared being lonely..I have no idea why I cried out of sudden..feel like screaming all the time but I can't do it..it makes me feel like going back to Melbourne all the time..I love the life there..because I have a place to go whenever I feel so terrible..I have someone to talk to face to face when I need someone to listen to me..and here?I have no one..I can't even talk to my sis about family problems either now..because whenever I started the topic..I ended up to be the terrible and horrible kids she ever seen..I have no right to rant..no right to be upset anything related to the family because I am the youngest..I have to do whatever they expected me to do and no..I am not a slave..that's is my duties to serve everyone in the house and I don't have the time to entertain myself by just watching a bloody series..because I was expected to study all the time..the only time I am free not to study is when I need to serve them and be their driver..all I want to say is..A MEDICAL STUDENT NEED HER LIFE TOO!A MEDICAL STUDENT IS NOT A GEEK WHO NEED TO STUDY 24/7..and you don't judge people until you are in the same situation..just bloody shut your mouth up..I am sorry for being so immature sometimes..but it just pissed me off so badly when you only think about yourself..never even consider my feelings..studying whole day..staying in hospital whole day is tired enough..why do I still need to carry the responsibility to do grocery when they is someone else free-er than me?why are you always so random?can be an angel and a devil at the same time?I know..family is important to me..family is the one who can support me..but why am I feeling it is bringing me down instead?arrgh..sometimes I just wish to stay in uni all day and don't come back..but I need to rest..why do I deserve that when I was resting..someone just bang in and ask me to do some not important?knocking my door like mad as if there is someone dying..seriously..how can I not being annoyed when all I want is just to have a peaceful resting time..I wish I can move to hostel..but I won't want to waste that money..damn..I am in dilemma..seriously..I need to be calmer and keep my tempered cooler..I need a temporary break away from here!

該放手了

讀了這篇文章，有種似曾相識的感覺，感觸很深。。摘自于臺灣likedget..

曾經以為十指緊緊握住的那一條線

其實不用放手就不見

因為根本沒有心繫的那條線

是該放手了  我選擇現在放手

你的笑還是那麼吸引我

然而 我還是得放手

你不說話的雙眼  還是會讓我心動不已

只是  我真的必須放手  放手讓我自己走

我所看到的真實體貼  你真的會讓人願意留在你身邊走也走不開

只是 我現在就得要放手  因為這是真實的生活  我必須放手

只是我的心有些時差必須要適應

適應不再想你  看你  聽你  念你  愛你  戀你  尋找你  收集你  談起你

調整遇見你時的城市跟我現實城市之中的時差

還好  那一年沒有衝動的飛越千里認識你

我們總是隔的遠遠的  遠的有時還能刻意忘記你

幸好  你熟悉的角落我不知道 

就像  你不知道我喜歡你那ㄧ雙手的包容

記憶中我們開始過嗎  或者這一切只是我的幻想

還是與你只是夢一場  不是來日方長

或者  這是注定 我真的必須和我的記憶分手..

祝福你 永遠幸福快樂

我該放手了  放手讓青春的夢走過成熟

若是能夠  我還是想牽你溫暖的手  讓你緊緊擁抱在懷中

如果你知道  會不會為我心疼感動

但願你能夠  祈禱能夠  如果能夠  能夠讓你知道我

曾經為你如此的深深愛過

a lil update..

Well..I would say..time really flies..I finished my 1st paper and got back my result..can I say I am really proud of myself because I had never get such a good result in Med school before..high grading was soo far from me in the past but I am actually getting it now..perhaps being alone in the town isn't a bad thing huh?no distraction I guess?but what really upset me now is my parents reaction about my hardworks..they took my result for granted..I wish they know how much effort I did put in.. realizing how much time I had put in studies..how much my life had changed since I came back from Melbourne..seriously, frankly speaking..I am still not used to the life here..yes..I spent my 17 years here and I only spent 3 years in Melbourne..but it really has a huge difference..anyway..I won't give up..their attitude and behavior will not be strong enough to pull me down..being a good doctor is my dream and I had already come this far..is too late to give up anyway..=p

well..talking about Prince Andrew..he is really an easy going and friendly Prince..sadly the 1st thing I heard from him was "what the hell is this?!"..I won't blame him for saying that..because he said that when I was performing a case with cathetherisation..a very disgusting procedure I would say..but overall..I have a really good impression about him..a small chat with him did lighten up my day..

back to uni life..is getting better I guess..have a pretty good relationship with my batchmate..considering they will shout my name whenever I enter the lecture hall..those guys were great eventhough I am like their elder sister there..but yea..enjoyable..workload wise..is really super heavy..I can feel a super huge rock landing on my shoulder..eventhough the next exam is on Jan..but I can really feel the stress now..presentation..assignments..clinical case performing going to come after one another..but I am really enjoying it..this is what I chose isn't it?

I can't wait for holiday..I need a break..sadly my UK trip got cancled!everything planned but dad suddenly disallow it..feeling so depressed..as if I was reaching the top of mount Everest but I slipped and falled..ARRGH!my roadtrip around UK!!Cardiff..Southamport..Edinburg..Scotland..Manchester..Liverpool and NEW CASTLE!!alll gone..my dream..vanished!but hey..I am still longing for my sis's return..and also all the awesome friends from Melbourne..

Exam period now in Melbourne..I am really so lonely here without anyone to talk to when everyone was busy hardcoring..and I was struggling if I should wish him good luck for his exam..my heart asked me to do so..but my brain stop me..so I should just follow my brain this time and stop my heart from getting anymore more injury..well..I guess thats all..

last thing..the weather here is killing me..it just makes me feel so sleepy all day during the weekend..and I so not proud to announce that I wasted my whole weekend watching Scrubs..

chaoz!