寂寞的夜晚。。

七月二十五，一個又會讓我記得的日子。。該怎麽形容今天的心情？
這一天，他離開到離我更遠的地方。。
這一天，我發現了我哥的另一面。。
這一天，我到了不該到的地方結果發現了我對他還有眷戀。。
所有的事都發生在同一天。。

看到這句話覺得還蠻對的，
“不见面不等于不思念，不联络只是为了掩饰眷恋”
這是句多麽貼切的話啊。。

想說，我想念你了。。你聽見了嗎？

早上的心情。。

天真地以为在这世界上家里还有一个真正愿意了解我，明白我的人，但事实并非如此。和她聊了一整夜，明显的对她而言都是我的错。整晚的心情糟透了，早上起来真得很想做个如他们所说的女儿。看着自己的家人，从来没那么反感过。告诉你我的心情并不是要得到你的同情，也从来没想过自己是世界上最可怜的人，只是我不觉得我应该这样被对待。没达到你们的目标都是我的错，我为什么要为了你们而活，而你们根本就没把我的心情与看法放在眼里，完完全全把我当机械人操控着。是！我很感激你们给我这个机会到国外读书，但我做的不好了吗？我考差了吗？我没有！只是我的运气没那么好，那又是我的错了吗？大家都说不管怎样都是自己的家人，忍着点，家人是与你最亲的人，为什么我现在觉得我离你们好远好远？我的心真得好痛好痛，哭了整晚真得觉得好累，真的真的累了。也许这也算是件好事吧，如果真的哪天我不幸地走了，被车撞还是发生了什么意外，我也不会觉得遗憾与牵挂吧。哈哈，完完全全感受到了为什么得忧郁症的人会那么想跳楼，纯粹就只想感受下得到自由，飞翔的感觉吧。。昨晚就这么感受到了，想说如果从我房间跳下是不是会得到那种自由感？很傻吧？我真得很讨厌呆在这个家。。怎么办?

不想回家。。

越來越不喜歡呆在家裏，應該說，除了我媽，馬來西亞沒什麽好讓我留念的了。。
這個傢讓我快喘不過氣了，像是住在監獄就算了，現在連朋友來監獄探望的權利都沒有。。
爸一直問我幾時才要去上課，就那麽不希望我在家裏，那把我送走！干嘛留我！
說我沒盡到做女兒的責任，那去比較啊！有幾個女兒會早上起來到巴殺買菜！
早早起來準備早餐，晚餐還要煩惱煮什麽，有時不想煮累了還會被罵！
出去見朋友就說我每天霸佔著車，那好啊！我讓朋友來載啊！現在又說我每天叫我朋友來我傢。。是怎樣？！我哪有每天出門？我得罪了多少人你們懂嗎？好啊。。說我每天出門，那我不是告訴我朋友說家人不喜歡我一直出門，他們當然第一反應就是說那我們去你傢好了，那有錯嗎？
所以現在是我不能出門，朋友不能來，那送我去住監獄好了，至少住監獄，朋友還可以探獄！
幹！我真的快瘋了！把我帶走好嗎？！

想說。。

想說謝謝你們一直陪著我。。
想說雖然日子沒有過得很好但我發現了誰才是知己。。
想說我很慶幸認識了你們。。
想說謝謝你們在我被関在家裏時，你們願意大老遠地來找我。。
想說謝謝你們讓我有那麽一點點時間是快樂的。。
真的，沒有你們我現在的生活一定會很糟。。
你們是誰，你們自己了，無需我多說對吧。。

多些日子大家又要回去了。。我想我一定會很想念大家。。
很遺憾我無法再和有些你們見面，下一次應該是明年了吧。。
慶幸的是不管我們多久沒見，一樣可以隨心所欲地聊天。。
十幾年的友誼真的很難的，真的很希望時間與距離不會把我們之間的友誼沖淡。。

現在的我無出可去，不曉得未來的幾個月會在那裏。。
心里雖然清楚知道自己要些什麽了，只是有些結果由不得我不去等待。。
等待，這一生有哪一秒不在等待？
只是厭倦了等待的感覺，但我又能怎樣？
只希望從現在開始能有比較好的生活，我的要求並沒有很多。。
只不過想過正常的大學生活，過屬於我年齡的生活。。
不再被當成中學生般被約束著，這到底有多難？

我清楚知道這一切的改變，讓家人不再信任我。。
這所有一切的一切都是我咎由自取，我不想怨任何人。。
只是如果不犯錯又怎能成長？
客觀地想想，現在讓我狠狠地跌了一跤至少還能爬起來吧。。
進了社會大學后，想站起來就更難了吧。。
但我仍然希望你們還可以再給我一次機會讓我證明我是有能力做自己的決定。。
別再把我関的死死的，我就快憋不過氣了。。

我也希望你們可以不要把我對你們的好當成理所當然。。
有些事並不是我的責任，我會做純粹只想分擔些。。
這並不代表它會是我每天都要扛的責任。。
我也要有我自己的生活，所以儅我沒幫忙時請別給我臭臉和話中帶刺。。
這樣會讓我對你們感到很反感，請花些時間多了解你們所謂的家人。。

往往人總是會在遇難時才會發現平時發現不到的事。。
這次回到這裡發現其實我還蠻依賴我姐。。
我是多麽地需要她在我身邊聼我說，開導我。。
雖然平時的她會給我壓力，但這次真的，我感覺到了平時我都感覺不到的愛。。
雖然無法幫到我什麽，但有一個人能靜靜地聼我說，安慰我，是件多麽幸福的事。。
姐，謝謝你，我真的想念你了，而且是很想念。。

最後想謝謝derek介紹了這首歌給我。。真的很好聽，上癮了！＝）

縂要離開才發現

有一個人在習慣和愛中間

因爲每一天見面

才讓那想念自然而不明顯

到了離別才發現

有一個人在習慣和愛中間

以爲說出了再見（但轉身的想念）

連自己都無法騙

突然又有點想哭了，有時真的覺得自己很沒用，讓身邊的人那麽辛苦，我真是個累贅。。

happiest day after so long..

finally have a day to take a break..the happiest day I had after all the crap I had been through..Thanks girls..and Derek for letting me know all the nice songs..although problems not solve yet but at least I am able to take my mind off just for 1 day..we eat,we sing, we chit chat, we hang out, we laugh..it just feel so good to be with all of you..and sorry nise..for using up so much petrol!sorry Derek for not being able to bring you back and end up late..but HEY!I really had a super great time..that was really the time you guys can see me smile happily from the bottom of my heart..you people are just too awesome..I know..good time won't last..when I woke up early the morning..I am expecting the worst scenario..and yea..mum walked in to my room..passed me a newspaper and said..why don't you go India?I told her..if u insist me to go India..I rather stop study..and the great thing was..her replied was..k den..go look for a job..my heart was broken..they rather I give up my dream then letting me to do what I want..why are they so manipulative..1 wave had calm down..here comes another..my dad.."why are you at home all the time?go find out what is really happening!"the fact is I did..and I told them..but they are the one who couldn't face the reality..everytime when they told me decision lies on me..they will oppose all my decision..I am serious..if they continue do that to me..I will give up my studies..and that's it..that's my life..you want to manipulate my life..dream on!I had had enough..please just give me a break..4 years!been listening to you all..see what I got now!can't you people just wake up!unexpectedly,my sis is the only 1 who is being supportive now but she isn't with me now..sis..I miss you so badly..

Anyway, I really had a great time yesterday..with all my beloved girls who are always so caring..my dear Denise who will whatsapp me to check me out almost every morning..my airen who always encourage me..thanks so much..eventhough I would wish you too will be with me..but no..don worry..I wont expect anything from you..all I know now is..after all the happiness I had, I am feeling really super hurt now..I am like sitting on the roller coaster..came all the way down from the top..I am lost and I really donno what to do..



a song being recommended by Derek..=)

Freedom and Life..

Having nothing better to do, so decided to write something about my feelings..A life I had been through all these while..A life that turns me into a different person..

A bird with her wings

Clipped everyday

So she couldn't fly away

Freedom, o freedom

Freedom so sweet

out of my reach

Love measured by how much

shit I took

Her loyalty is silent performance

As she watches her wings clipped everyday

So she couldn't fly away

Freedom so sweet

She chirped and whistled

Under ther sun

While she cried into the

Dark, dark nights

She soon stopped singing as

Life drained out of her

Slowly but surely

She cried but no one heard

Her mask hides

A damaged smile

A brave face that

Nobody guessed

A beautiful bird who can never fly

He who clipped her wings

In the name of love

Blind himself in fear

His words pierced

Bit deep into her heart

Tore her spirit apart

Yet she braved day after day

Voiceless and numbed

With guilt and shame

Caught in a hell hole

She could not escape

Cycle of misunderstanding

It who controls her

Clipped her wings everyday

So she can never fly away

Torn by a love

So cruel and brutal

With her soft young feathers

She knew no better

A voiceless soul

Trapped in the body 

Of a beautiful bird

Who could not fly

She dreams of flying

She dreams of freedom

A little bird who could not fly

Until the time is right..

------------------------------------

How ironic can the  life be

A young little blissful girl

Having all the love

From her beloved family and friends

Yet having the need

To go through the toughest path

Of her life

In order to reach her goal..

A young little happy girl

Who used to be so cheerful

And lively

Is now being tortured 

By the cruel reality and uncertainties

The girl had changed

To someone who she can't even recognise herself..

A young little naive girl

Who used to believe Love so much

Had put in her heart and soul

To persue the pure love

To prove true love does exist

Had now broken down 

By the heartless reality and man

See how life had turned people into..

To a stronger man

Or

Pushing them to the edge of the world?

有些不愉快。。

昨晚發生了一些些好不愉快的事。。被人侵犯隱私的感覺糟透了。。好想把這裡鎖起來。。只是心理一直期望著會有哪一天他會到這裡看看，發現我的真實感受。。

昨晚整晚都在發夢，夢到他了。。夢到他寫了一些東西給我。。信裏好像寫得很甜，也好像寫著對我有多麽的不捨。。想問，這又何苦呢？唉。。想說最終我還是想你了。。

現在我的人生還是個未知數，哪知道有天我又會回到我喜歡的地方，再續情緣。。哈哈哈！